My dearest Theodore

Summer is on the way. I am thinking about how much you would have loved spending time at Papineau Lake this year and how much you loved it last year. I am looking forward to the memories we will make but knowing you won’t be included in them makes me feel like they will be incomplete.

You never got to feel the wind on your face or the sun at your back. You will never wish upon a star or pull apart a dandelion wondering if she loves you or not. How could your life be so beautiful and fulfilled, yet there are so many things I wished for you. How do I let go of all I wanted for you and accept you received all you needed? I know this to be true but I can’t help to long for more for you. For you, I wish it all. . .

Yet I know you had it all. You experienced something many of us never have the opportunity. Through this I was blessed to be the one to learn how to love unconditionally. Maybe that is all we ever need. Maybe if we were all blessed to be loved so deeply, so truly and purely that no matter what we did, thought or felt the other would do nothing but love us through it and for us to love all other beings in such a way as well and then we too would feel completely fulfilled.

You said you wanted me to let go. You want my heart to heal. I have thought long and hard about our love story. I know how I want the ending to look like. I want the last chapter to describe how I did let go, and how I am able to love you wholeheartedly and how the profound pain and sadness is replaced with peace. I will simply love you, our experience and accept this is all it was supposed to be, and no longer long for more and to be grateful for all I have.

Our story has been beautiful, it can’t end with me forever hurting. . . This couldn’t have been the plan.

I know when things feel hard it is a time of growth. This has been the biggest personal growth transformation I have experienced. I am far from reaching our last chapter. I frankly have no clue how to arrive there but I do know it is how it has to end. I love you too much to allow myself to feel a lifetime of profound sadness. You have been my greatest teacher, I am confident you will guide me down the path to reach our destination of loving, remembering and accepting of all that is with pure peace in my heart.

I am not there. I have haven’t arrived, I am so far from the end but at least I have a destination to navigate towards and with you as my compass I have no doubt one day I will arrive and be so grateful as I look back at the journey we took together to find pure unconditional love and peace in our hearts.

Thank you. My love for you is and has always been unconditional. I now need to learn to find my way to loving all beings in the same manner. Maybe then it will truly feel like peace on earth.

Your forever loving Mommy.