I haven’t written publicly in the last few months. I haven’t shared much of our journey to living in 2017 but today as I was driving to get some groceries when my car took me to a place to park with the view of our beautiful Bay and Teddy was on my mind. I look up and a sign saying Memory Lane is directly in front of me so here I sit writing what my heart is telling me to share.
Living and not grieving doesn’t mean forgetting. It is actually the opposite. I probably think of him more often but that is because I can do so with gentle love that no longer holds heavy pain. He is with me always. He travels everywhere our family goes. Our love for him is equal to our other children. We have found our way to peace and loving him quietly.
Life is ever evolving and so is our journey with Theodore. At one time I was desperately afraid people would forget him, would not acknowledge him, would not know how important he is. Now I know it is okay if his name is to never be spoken by another soul. I have found the peace in our journey that my love for him is enough. My heart knows how important he is, how much he has taught me, and how much love I have for him so seeking it from others isn’t necessary. He requires zero validation. Other people have their own connection to him, I can’t speak for their journey of loving and saying goodbye to him and I am okay with it being whatever it is for them. He came to teach many and I know without a shadow of a doubt he has spread his lessons far and wide, he has touched those I would never have imagined and that is one of so many reasons why I love him dearly. He has been so generous with his life and teaching of love.
Letting go of all that could have been has been hard it has been messy but I truly arrived at a place where I am okay with it all being what it is. There was never supposed to “could haves or should haves” that wasn’t a part of this lifetime for him, this wasn’t necessary for him to have lived his perfect life’s journey. Realizing that desperately wanting all those life moments was for me and not him enabled me with time to see my love for him is greater than my personal desires for things to be different. My unconditional love dictates I want what is best for Teddy, and he lived what was best for this lifetime.
Living with intention and not grieving gives me a new sense of purpose. I honour him always, but now I can be fully present for my other children, my husband, and everyone else around me. Life is lighter, life is easier, life is enjoyable and I have zero guilt. Theodore was about loving and I know he would want me to love fully the rest of my life I have to live and being in the trenches of grief left little room for me to live that way. People always talk about the secret to happiness is finding balance. My life in 2017 has significant more balance than 2016 and I am grateful.
Theodore is alive today in my heart as much as he was when he was in my arms and in my womb for all those months. My heart has fleeting moments of feeling heavy and I am grateful they are fleeting and they aren’t stuck because I feel closer to him today than the days I was desperately holding onto him with fear and heartache. I am still a Mom who’s baby is forever physically gone, a Mom who is forever changed but a Mom who wants to live with purpose in honour of that precious soul I have the honour to call my son.
I also want others to know finding a way to happiness and gratitude is possibility should you choose to walk the path. It isn’t a smooth, well manicured path but when you find the light at the end you will know it is worth the work. Life no matter who you are will give you challenges and periods of your life that feel impossible. No one is saved from troubles in life, they just look different for everyone and one person’s challenges aren’t easier or harder than the others. They aren’t there to be judged. With love, hard work and accepting help from others the path can be walked. This path has no expire, and is different lengths for different people but there is light at the end should you venture down it.
Peace, Light and Love to you all on your own journeys. Thank you for so much love and support as I have been walking mine.
With copious amounts of Love,