I Wasn’t Expecting This

  
My sweetest Theodore,

I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel a heart so full of love yet so shattered. My heart is like an infinity pool with my love pouring through the cracks and yet is always full. I wasn’t expecting to have my love for you deepen and grow even after we said our final goodbyes. I am not sure why but I assumed the level of my love when we parted ways was where it would always remain. But that isn’t how it works when you are a Mother. A Mother’s love will grow, deepen and evolve as the days pass. Just because you are no longer here with me, I am and always will be your Mom and will continue to Mother you just the same. My heart only knows you as my precious son Theodore, it holds love for you no different than Jack or Patrick so it only makes sense that this love would be continually growing. 

I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting that as my love grew so would my sorrow. It hurts so much. I want you back. I have a hard time imagining a lifetime without you. I am not sure how my heart keeps beating when it is so broken. I am so scared, I feel so fragile, there is no way I could endure anymore heartache yet the possibility is real. 

There was a time in my life when I thought forever was a really long time. I met your Dad and fell in love, I then realized forever will never be long enough. Now here I am, on one hand my forever won’t be long enough when it comes to Ryan, Jack or Patrick. Then there is you and the past 105 days without you have been the longest hardest days of my life. To think I have to live my forever without you seems too much to bare.  

Being a Mom is such a hard job. It was a job I desperately wanted and I am so grateful I was chosen. I feel so blessed I have 3 beautiful boys who wanted me to be their Mom. I knew this job wasn’t going to be an easy one, but nothing prepares a person to Mother a child who no longer walks among us. I want to tuck you into bed, I want to kiss your face, I want desperately hold you. I want to physically do all the things that show love, but instead I can only do these things in my mind and send you my love from a distance. The foundation of Motherhood is love. There is no question my heart and life has an abundance. 

Today, I am simply going to feel your absence. I am going to ride the wave of heartache and when the sun rises tomorrow I pray it brings a little peace. 

I love you Theodore. There is no doubt about that. I miss you from every fibre in my body. I am desperately longing for you. 

I look forward to seeing you again. My love will continue to grow until we reach the end of my forever. 

Your forever loving Mommy 

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Thank you for the reminder. 

Theodore my love,

Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.

Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.

We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.

We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.

We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.

I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!

Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.

Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.

You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.

Your forever loving Mommy.

I love the way you work 

  
Hey Snuggles 

So I just need to Thank you, once again I have felt a shift. I know you are always near. You never feel far from me. I was so incredibly sad last Monday. I had bought you two gifts and wanted to place them at your stone. When I arrived it was frozen over. 

I had so many emotions. I had moments of anger. Had you been buried a row over either way I would have been able to see where your stone lays and able to place the gifts. It felt like a sick joke. I had moments of sadness, knowing I was going to a baby shower for a wonderful friend who is due in a couple weeks and two other amazing friends would be there who recently had beautiful baby boys. The four of us were all supposed to have our baby boys together, I couldn’t be happier to be celebrating the new little man and spend time with the other two boys who have completely stollen my heart but I couldn’t help feel sad knowing that was the evening ahead of me and I couldn’t even see your grave. 

As I was driving, shedding tears of complete sadness feeling the weight of your loss my windshield wipers start to go. I checked to see if they were on auto and malfunctioned and of course they weren’t. It was you wiping the tears from your Mom’s eyes. I love when you show me how close you really always are to me. 

Tonight as I was setting the table for dinner, I stop and held the rock I had bought for you and touched the elephant. I started to think of when this week I would be able to go and place them since it has been raining so much and I realized what a blessing it has been to have these gifts in our home before bringing them to you. Every day at least a few times a day, I stop and hold your rock, I trace the word LOVE that is engraved in it and touch your elephant. I now know this is the gift, the gift will carry my energy, and they will have spent time with us which makes these gifts that much more meaningful. In fact they have sat on our table since I brought them home, it is like you are with us at every meal. 

I love the way you work. I love the lessons you teach me. I love the way in which the lessons are delivered. Thank you my love. I couldn’t be more proud to be your Mom. I feel so incredibly blessed. 

You are my Forever Son, Theodore

Your forever loving Mommy. 

Only a Lifetime or more. . .

Theodore my dearest love,

I am here. I came as I promised. Your foot stone is filled with ice and snow. I can’t see you. My heart is breaking. I can’t place my gifts I just brought for you. There is hardly any snow around you but where you lay is filled and it is so hard I can’t clear it off. I now wish we would have picked a stone that stood up. I didn’t foresee this problem when we picked it out. I am so sorry.

The day is grey, my heart is heavy, and the lake is frozen just as your grave. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I truly can’t be visiting my son at a gravesite can I? This isn’t for real is it? Lord have mercy on my soul and be gentle with my fragile heart. . .

I love you Theodore. I love you and miss you in unimaginable ways. Some say I just need time, time to get over you, my loss and the grief I feel. I do need time but unfortunately there isn’t enough time in this lifetime. Should we not meet again in our next life my heart will carry the loss with me through that life as well. I will miss you until I see you again and then will continue to miss all the time we lost. This isn’t something that will go away, it is now my new normal. So to sum it up, anyone who knows me will never live to see the day that I am over this. It just won’t happen.

I often wonder if you miss us too? Do you see us and wish you were here in the physical world? Do ever wish you had a bit more time with us? Do you long to be held, just like I long to hold you? Do you wish it was different? I know there is purpose and it is this way for a reason but does your heart feel what mine feels even though we know it can’t be changed? A part of me hopes you do, that is me being selfish and wanting you to want to be with us even though is wasn’t part of the journey. Then the bigger part of me would never want you to feel what my heart is feeling not even a tenth of it, as the pain is so overwhelming.

This past weekend your Grandparents were honoured as Guardian Angels for children in our area for their contributions that have helped children. It was a great night. We had so much fun with friends dancing the night away. I couldn’t help thinking about the fact had you lived we wouldn’t have gone, or at least I wouldn’t have. I would have been home with you and your brothers. Sad truth is I would have been at home slightly sad I was missing out, now what I wouldn’t have done to be home with you.

Life is all about perspective. I now see things that I can only long for and know had I had them I wouldn’t have had the appreciation to the degree it would deserve and maybe at times resented. Just another gift you have given me; clarity and appreciation. On occasion I feel myself annoyed by Jack and Patrick or even Ryan (yes he was created from two Angels but is no Saint 😉) and now I simply need to ask myself “how badly would I long for this should I lose them” and my feelings of annoyance disappear.

Theodore, I will be back this week as the weather is warming up so the snow and ice should be gone. My heart is forever yours.

Your forever loving Mommy 

 

Grateful for the Choice

Theodore my love,

So another Wednesday without you is in the process of rolling by. This morning the sun was shining bright, with a light dusting of snow on the ground and all seemed as it should. A great start to the day. As I found myself in the shower excited about the day I will be having with Jack and Patrick and thinking about what we should do, I quickly was reminded this day is another day without you.

The three of us went and met our friends at play group. It was wonderful. The boys had a blast. I met the cutest little boy, born only days before you. I felt paralyzed as I awkwardly stared at this perfect little baby boy. Why am I not holding you as you sleep today? I could see how this baby had grown since birth and reminded me how much time has passed since we said our goodbyes.

Today I am feeling the bumps, these moments that stop me in my tracks. I am choosing to love you, to not let my heart run away with longing for all that we are missing. I know you are with us, you show me all the time.

I have realized the difference in different days and how some days I have a choice. I can become lost in grief or I can choose to move forward with my day, having love in my heart and you on my mind but not allowing myself to be swallowed up with all that could have been. I also have days that the choice is there, but feeling the deep grief for you is what I want and it feels right. Then there are the days the choice is made for me and no matter what I want I am in it and can’t get myself out. All of these days are just a reflection of how deep my love runs for you. It is a love that is pure and every changing but never weakening.

Because of you, I have strength to make these choices and live with the days the choice is made for me. Your brothers will be forever grateful for you. They know when I am sad. They know Theodore brings tears to Mommy’s eyes and they know how deeply my love for you runs. They also appreciate having a Mom who when given the choice will choose to be happy and experience the joy of their lives. I know that life on earth is still evolving and being present with them is what they need. 

You sure knew what you were doing when you chose these two boys as brothers! They have the ability to know when I need extra love and provide it, all the while being their crazy fun loving selves which always brings nothing but joy.

Thank you my love, another lesson is understood. You are my greatest teacher. I appreciate you, your teachings and the love we share. My son you are so blessed.

Until I see you again,
Your loving Mommy