Theodore my love,
Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.
Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.
We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.
We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.
We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.
I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!
Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.
Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.
You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.
Your forever loving Mommy.