It is mornings like today when I wake up and wonder if this is all real. Did you really exist? Did you really come and leave so quickly? Did I actually survive the heart-wrenching days that followed? Was this all a bad dream?
I feel your absence this morning. I feel you every day but it doesn’t always feel the same. This morning I feel sad, and I miss you. I wonder what our life would look like with 3 boys. I wonder if Zooey would have still found her way to us. Could we have handled 4 mini Williams monsters?
In the last three years, I have hit all ends of the spectrum of grief. It was super messy at times. Most recently, I feel I am in a stage of rebirth. A whole new version of me is being created and I am totally in love who she is and feel excited to fully know this new version of me once it is fully developed. There was a time that I felt sad I could barely remember who I was before this journey started but not anymore. I am certainly not sad the girl who had paralyzing heartache is gone. You have changed me and I am grateful.
Three years later and without a shadow of a doubt I would still choose you. Every tear shed, every fear felt, every relationship lost, every day walking in a world that looked so unfamiliar, and every wave I didn’t know I could survive was worth it. You are worth it. You taught me about unconditional love, you helped create a life with only space for the authentic, you gave your siblings an opportunity to learn that feeling deeply is okay and not scary, you cleared a path for our family to rise to our highest selves with gratitude.
Teddy, you are loved. Our hearts have continued to grow with love for you as they have for our other children. My fears that you would be forgotten have settled, I know it is simply impossible. The majority of the time now living without you is light and we have peace, and the days like today are bearable and just a reminder of how important you are. It reminds me this isn’t a bad dream, it is real and that emotions are temporary. Eventually light does come after darkness if you can just hold on.
It is hard to explain the shift in life since you. We lived a good life before you, and we were good people but life is so much richer now because of you. We love deeper, we live more authentically, we prioritize connection over everything, we savour even the smallest moments in life, we are seekers of joy and laughter, we are more connected to our own souls and life’s purpose. I now know you can only fully taste and appreciate the sweet nectar of life once you have tasted life’s sourest lemons.
So my sweet boy as today I miss you, I am also filled with gratitude for all you represent and all you have done for us.
Missing you my Sweetest Teddy.