Waiting on the Sun to Rise 

Dearest Theodore,

My heart is heavy, I feel like loss surrounds me. My heart hurts for those who feel the weight of loosing a person they love. True love that is held deep in your heart doesn’t recognize the age of the person, the amount of time spent together, and what they have or haven’t accomplished in their life. The heart only knows you love them and the rest doesn’t matter. The more you love the heavier the loss.

There was a time, actually most of my life until recently when I truly felt that happiness wasn’t hard to find. My perspective was one that if you weren’t happy, then simply be present and look around. By doing so you will notice the little things that bring joy to people. I am more present than ever, I live moment to moment as my days roll on. For a couple weeks I was feeling as if those years were a lie. Of course I could easily find happiness, I hadn’t had a tragedy that ever shook me to my core, and I never lost something that I desperately wanted back with nothing I could do to change it. So Ya it was easy. I realized today that happiness is still easy to find, it is the lens we view the world through that can be hard to change.

Theodore my love how do I change this lens on days when I feel like the only thing that will bring me peace is you? When my longing for you is so powerful, my tears can’t be stopped? When the bricks can’t be lift from my chest and I feel like putting one foot before the other is a task too big? How my love, my greatest teacher?

Many days I can put life into perspective and changing this lens is doable. Then there are the days that it seems like the only option is to surrender to my reality, and hope as the sun rises in the morning it will bring a whole new set of emotions and ones that are easier to see the joy and happiness around us.

I love you Theodore. Today, I will simply surrender and wait.

Your forever loving Mommy.

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We will visit soon. . . 

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Theodore my love.

I can’t believe how life has gone back to normal around us. I feel like the world is still turning at the regular consistent speed, yet mine has three speeds it can be standing still, turning backwards or crawling forward. How can I let my world turn at rate it did before, the weight of your loss is so heavy it would seem impossible to have that momentum again. Frankly I am not sure I ever want to live at the speed again.I feel guilty we haven’t visited you graveside for awhile. It is such a beautiful spot and I do want to be there. I feel like you aren’t there anyway. Your remains are but your spirit is busy doing God’s work. You seem to be showing up everywhere lately for me. I am always grateful when you do even if I am visible thrown off a bit. Please meet at the grave when we do go. ❤️

I love you my Dear Theodore. My heart screams for your love, and my arms ache to hold you.

If you were healthy you probably would have been born this week sometime. It is hard to think I could have a newborn baby right now. Your brothers would love it if we did. They would be so good to you. I can see them both pushing you in the swing way too hard and me having to tell them both to be gentle over and over again. They would bring you toys you couldn’t play with and try to feed you food you can’t eat yet. It would all be out of love, just as Jack did all these things when Ditty was a baby.

Love you, forever my angel.

Your loving Mommy

Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day. 

A day to honour all Mothers. There are all kinds of Mothers. Of course there is the obvious Mom, the one walking across the street holding their little one’s hand, or the Mom with a grocery cart filled with giggling children. Then there are the Grandmothers. They are easy to spot, especially when with kids in tow. You will see what we call “Grandma wounds”, kiss marks all over their face.   

Then there are the women who don’t have any children, who haven’t experienced pregnancy but desperately long for a child of their own. 

What isn’t obvious are the Moms who can no longer have a child with them on a day like today to celebrate due to a miscarriage or their baby born still. 

We also have the mother who was able to have the blessing of sharing a life with their child but then along the journey they are taken from illness, an accident, or some other reason that they are no longer together in this physical world. 

I am 4 of the 5 types of Moms described here. I have my two crazy boys who everyone loves when we go grocery shopping as they are busy flirting with all the ladies. That is me the obvious Mom . The kind of Mom people are comfortable with on a day like today.  I wasn’t always this mom, Jack was created after 3 years of praying and desperately longing for him with the help of IVF. He was bittersweet, Jack in the early stages was a twin and Ryan and I experienced an early loss of his womb mate. Recently I became the other type of Mom who lost a baby. Theodore was born on December 9, 2015 and passed away a mere 22 minute later. 

The three Mothers Days while we were actively trying to create a family were incredibly hard, I cried every year. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom. I realize now I always was. 

Then my first Mother’s Day was what felt like true Mom was so bittersweet. I was the mom that most are comfortable giving well wishes to on this Day. I felt so blessed to finally be holding a baby and celebrating but I was holding space for the baby we lost so early on. 

This year brings a whole new set of emotions. I have two beautiful boys. They make my heart sing. No matter how amazing my boys are or how much I love them doesn’t prevent my heart from longing for the two I no longer have. My arms ache for Theodore and my heart carries all the what ifs for our early loss. 

Approximately,
1 in 16 couples will experience infertility.

1 in 4 woman have an early pregnancy miscarriage
6 in 1000 births a baby is born still.
7 in 1000 children will pass under 5 years

With numbers like this we have to be aware how many women are falling into one or more of these categories and honour all types of Moms today. Being a Mom is hard work. The mom who is physically parenting on a daily basis deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who didn’t get the chance to feel her baby move inside the womb deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said hello and goodbye at the same time deserves the Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said goodbye months or years after birth deserves the Mother’s Day hug.  Then we have the Moms who are still praying for their intended family, they equally deserve the Mother’s Day hug. 

Being a Mom is the love in your heart not what you hold in your arms. So as you go on about your day, there is a good chance the woman you see or talk to is in fact a Mom even if it isn’t obvious. 

Your Due Date

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Happy Due date Theodore!

Today is the day our medical world predicted you might be born. Not that any of my boys have every been born close to their due date.

I was talking to Michelle the other day about how I felt conflicted with the significance of this day for us. I felt like it should be significant but isn’t since it would never have been a date you would have been born on.

Well, you clearly were listening. Born today was a little boy named Fitzgerald, birthed in the Don Williams birthing suite, named after your Great Grandfather.  Our dear friends Jess and Jeff were not due for another couple weeks. I was shocked to get the text but happened to be at the hospital that morning and had the honour to be the first person to meet this sweet angel only hours after he was born. I know this is no coincidence, and instantly this day holds enormous significance.

To say I was shocked is probably an understatement. I felt I was in an alternate universe. I had so many emotions. The most prominent emotion was love and joy for our dear friends and the new sweet angel Fitz but there were other emotions as well. I was scared, how would I ever see Fitz and not think of you, and all what should have been. I then realized that it was okay to feel this way and I didn’t need to be scared. I think of you every second of every day anyway, and I am not wanting to forget you ever. You will always live on in my heart forever. I also felt envious of Jess being so blessed to be holding a perfect new baby. Those feelings passed quickly, they serve no purpose, and choosing love is what will make my heart feel lighter and highlight the true blessing this situation truly is.

Ultimately, I know this was you, you doing God’s work and, making it perfectly clear that you are here with me. I know you will take care of me I just need to keep trusting this journey. It was no accident that Fitz chose this day. I am sure together you and Fitz agreed today was the perfect day to be born. I couldn’t agree more.

You are my greatest teacher. Thank you.

I love you. I am celebrating you and our new friend Fitz today.

Your loving Mommy

 

Valentines Day

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Teddy will you be my Valentine?

Happy Valentines Day my love! The sweetest gift of all would be a kiss from you. Instead I hold you in my heart and on my mind all day today. We spent most of the day at the Cooke’s cottage surrounded by amazing friends. It really was a great weekend as always. I felt your presence missing, like you just weren’t there. Not in the obvious way but in a way a person who feels an itch after their leg has been amputated.  I couldn’t let go of the feeling that you were intend to be with us there, the void was notable.  You are my son and I shouldn’t be celebrating family day without you.

Today I was holding baby William telling Bo and Jack that he was Lauren’s baby brother. Jack then told us he has two baby brothers. He sure does, and in his heart today he was missing you. He is so young yet he knows. It must be the time you spent in Ottawa together. I would love to know how your connection grew in those few months. I love the sound of your name when spoken by others but nothing makes my heart sing so loudly as when it rolls off Jack’s tongue.

I love you and am missing you today. I miss you always. Pretty much every second of every day.

Your Valentine, Mommy

Family Day Weekend

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My dearest Theo,

Good morning my love. I am here at home taking a quiet moment drinking coffee reading a book about a woman who lost her baby at birth. It has made me laugh and it has made me cry. It is called “An  Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”. Patrick is still sleeping as he has a terrible cold and ear infection. Jack has gone to the Montessori School for the day.

My day will be spent packing and getting ready for our annual weekend at the Cooke’s cottage. I can’t believe you won’t be with us. It feels unimaginable. I know you will be there in spirit but my heart is screaming for so much more. The kids will play and baby William will snuggle his Mom and hopefully me too. We will take a picture of all the kids and you won’t be in it, yet in my mind I will always see you in the line up. I wish I knew what time would have done for you, what you would have looked like as you aged, how your personality would have fit in with the other kids and how different the dynamic would have been.  I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way.  I never imagined it. I need you to know how desperately I wish you were joining in on our fun. Every laugh, I laugh, every smile of joy I feel, every silly dance your daddy does and all the love we feel being close to our friends we are doing it all while carrying our love for you in our hearts.

I wish I was packing your bag too. . . My heart is hurting as I am reminded we will always be a travelling family of four. I miss your beautiful face and the anticipated joy I was going to feel watching you grow. I long to see you playing with your brothers, how silly you three would have been, the trouble you all would have caused and how full my home and heart would have always felt.

Your loving Mommy

Two Months Has Passed

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Theo my love,

I woke up feeling close to you today, you met me in my dreams. You made me inspired to love louder.

I spent the day with your older brother Jack today. We went to gymnastics and then had a lunch date. I couldn’t help but miss you, you should have been with us, you should have been snuggled into a carrier as Jack and I ran around. Then I got thinking . . . If you were meant to stay earthside with us you wouldn’t have been in a carrier but relaxing in my womb. You and I as one.

I am not sure how to look at it. If you were to be born and needed surgery, you most likely would be born this week or next at the latest. Then there is the thought of you being healthy with a heart that didn’t even skip a beat, you would be just like your brothers and would be born two weeks late and making your grand entrance at the end of the month.

Next week is your “due date”. February 17, 2016 it feels significant yet as I just described it seems to hold little value considering all the possible outcomes you never would have been born on that day.

I love you, I miss you and look forward to meeting you in my dreams again real soon my angel.

Your loving Mommy.