Happiest of Birthdays my beautiful baby boy.

Today you would have been bringing cupcakes to your class for the first time. Or maybe you would be more like your brothers and would want to bring doughnuts. Either way, the day would be about you and all that you have become.

It is hard to accept you were born all you would be. I feel so robbed. You never made a friend, you never went to the park, you never spoke your first word, you never made me laugh, and I never felt your hugs. So many lost opportunities. So many opportunities for my heart to feel this loss for you.

Maybe you are one of the lucky ones? You never experienced hardships, your heart only knew pure unconditional love, you never experienced pain. Your life was blissfully short. For you, this is exactly what I would want. Most people have experiences in life to help them grow and expand as souls on earth. You came here to help us with that never needing to expend yourself. You gave all of you to us.

I am so grateful to you. I feel like I was given the greatest gift by being able to provide you a home while you grew, to hold you, to love you and been loved by you.

Over the past four years, we have been blessed by so many people who reached out to express love, who brought us food, who delivered a gift in your honour. We have beautiful gifts throughout our home that when I look at them I know they were given because of you. When I decorate our tree I have decorations to hang for you just like we have for your siblings.

The unintended gift from these acts of kindness is that we were gifted memories for you. Long after when creating your memories were lost others stepped in and helped us create some for you. I am sure over the last four years there were times I didn’t properly articulate my gratitude to each person. My wish is that they are all aware of how grateful I truly am, how the gifts they gave were invaluable. From text messages to unexpected visits, to letting me know they remember you or love you, to the beautiful physical gifts we will treasure and the donations made in your honour. They are all held in my heart with pure gratitude.

So here we are, you have been gone four years. I would choose to do it all again. You changed me in the greatest way. Today my heart aches for you. I would do anything to go back and hold you one more time. I am grateful as heavy today is, tomorrow will be lighter and maybe even filled with joy. I am grateful for the days I sit in the mud and long for you and that now I mostly live a life free of the heavy pain and you bring a smile more than tears.

I love you. I thank you. I am wishing you the most beautiful day today. Work hard and get all those candles out in one shot buddy. Don’t forget to make a wish. 💫

Your Momma bear.