We are half way through the first month and I am only now ready to write about turning over the calendar, wiping the slate clean and starting fresh in 2018.
Each year as one ends and a new one begins Ryan and I always reflect back on our previous year’s goals we had set and see how many we accomplished. This year was different as we normally set realistic and attainable goals for the upcoming year, then adjust our five and ten year plan and I just wasn’t into doing it. This year I don’t have goals but I do have intentions.
This is a big year. I have six months left before I turn 40. Holy Moly how did that happen! 40 seems real, like no way around it you are an adult once you cross over that bridge. Having the big 4-0 peaking around the corner puts things into perspective. It is another reminder how short life really is. How precious time is. I truly don’t want to waste time this year. I intend to spend my time only doing things that make my heart sing, spending quality time with those that encourage love, laughter and bring joy into our life. Not to say if you are in a place that is hard I don’t have space for it because I absolutely do, helping others warms my heart. But I am no longer going to water dead plants. I am letting go of relationships that don’t serve me anymore, ones that aren’t meant to be watered and that it is okay.
There is a huge portion of my story with Teddy that I never write about, that many don’t know. It has to do with a significant person in my life. I haven’t written to save them from the truth, the truth about how their role has effected my heart and my journey. What I have chosen for 2018 is to find peace with letting that role in my life to be a void. It is a role that no one else can fill. There is no amount wishing or wanting that can change the damage that has been done. Because of Teddy’s death the cracks in that relationship were revealed. For the first year I ignored the reality. I didn’t have the strength to see it, deal with it, acknowledge it or try to fix it. My second year I saw it all so clearly, I saw who they are, what my role was in the relationship and how unhealthy it was. I truly wanted it to be fix, I have been working to understand it and find peace with the knowledge I have gained but sadly there is no fixing it. So as we are moving in the third year without Teddy I believe with letting go I can make room for peace in that area of my life.
I have learned with death it is never just one loss. It will effect many relationships and areas in your life. I have also learned it isn’t all about loss because you also gain new relationships, deepen existing ones, and receive multiple gifts that comes in countless forms. It is true, the day your baby dies so do you and with time you figure out who the new you is.
So 2018 & the big 4-0 I am ready for you!! I am ready to become firmly planted in the new me. I intend to write more and not just about Teddy. I intend to dive into my untapped creativity. I will work on being completely present while Mothering. I intend to be the wife my husband deserves, he is amazing and deserves the best. I intend to love and care for my body and overall health as taking it for granted would be so unfair to all those who would give anything to have health. I intend to water all the wildflowers in my life, dance with joy and hold still for others when life is heavy. Lastly, I intend to remain connected in faith. I will listen when God whispers, and I promise to act. In the past I would feel called to do something, to reach out to someone, or whatever it might be and I wouldn’t act because I felt uncomfortable, I was unsure how it would be received but not this year. I am putting worry aside and will have faith that when an act comes from a place of love it has purpose and maybe that is where the magic will happen.
Cheers to you! Let’s all dance with joy together!! 2018 is going to be awesome and when it isn’t we will be okay, all things are possible when we help each other carry the load. Just holler over at me if you need help pulling the weight and I haven’t noticed. 💖