Our Final Goodbye


Theo my love,

Today is your funeral. Your celebration of life. It was a short life but such a powerful life with so much purpose.

My heart is hurting. I am so nervous about giving your eulogy, it is your story and I want it to be heard. I pray you are with me so I can get through it.

It is hard to believe you are gone, gone from my life forever. I feel like we have lived a few lifetimes together. Our connection was so powerful when you were in my womb. I fear as time goes on this connection will feel further and further away.

I must go and get ready now so please know how much you are loved, and intensely missed. I am happy after today everyone will know more about you, that you weren’t “just a baby” but in fact you were a very old soul in a very young body that was here to help others learn life lessons and grow in ways no one was expecting.

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Today was perfect, I just got home after spending time with close friends from out of town and family from my side of the family. It was nice to spend time with everyone together.

On the way to the Church we picked you up at the funeral home. You were in a beautiful wooden box your father picked out for you. It was the first and the last time we would be the travelling family of five we always envisioned. Only it was totally different.

Your service was amazing, there was so much love, so many people attended and we couldn’t have been more pleased. I read your eulogy. I could feel your presence with me. It was hard to talk about you, but felt so good for people to hear your story. People loved it. The ministers gave a beautiful message, we sang hymns and then we proceeded to your final resting place. Your father picked the most beautiful spot on the Bay of Quinte. You couldn’t be closer to the water. It is the perfect place. You actually couldn’t be closer to our home as well.

The reception at the restaurant was really nice. It gave us an opportunity to chat with many who came to celebrate you.

Your brothers aren’t old enough to understand what was happening but Jack asked a few times “why is everyone so sad”. He knew something profoundly sad happened. Patrick was blissfully unaware.

It is hard to believe today is here and now gone. I am not sure how my next days are going to feel, how will I start living a life without you . . .

I love you. More than my heart could have every imagined.

Missing you immensely.
Love your Mommy

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Hello & Goodbye


Teddy,

The sunrise this morning was incredible. Heaven was glowing knowing today they were being given the most beautiful angel ever. You have given me more than I could ever imagine. Thank you doesn’t feel like enough.

You were born today with a heartbeat at 11:06am. It was a gift I know you gave us, and we will be forever grateful. Your Daddy and I cherished every moment we had with you. I feel so honoured your heart beat its last beat while laying on my chest, in my loving arms and next to my beating heart.

You were so desperately wanted. I want so badly for you to be apart of our travelling family. I am not sure how my heart will ever mend from this profound loss I feel from having to say good bye to you so shortly after our hello. Your brothers will forever miss you. I know they aren’t aware now but as their lives evolves they will know exactly how amazing you were and how much it incredibly sucks your journey had to be so short.

Your Father was so brave today. The way he looked at you melted my heart, he had so much love in his eye even though they were filled with sadness. He was so loving and supportive through this whole journey. You sure knew what you were doing when you picked him for your Father.

My arms are aching to hold you. My whole body is screaming to have you back and my heart is breaking knowing it will never happen. . . .

Saying I love you is an understatement.

Love your Mommy

The End Is Near

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My Dearest Theodore,

I woke up this morning feeling concerned our journey was coming to an end and I just learned it truly is. I am showing signs that it is no longer safe for us to enjoy just a few more days together. I feel like the nose bleed I had last night was you telling me that I need to listen to my body not my heart. I am so conflicted. I am profoundly sad because I treasure every kick and roll I feel with you. I love how easy it is to feel connected to you. I would hold you inside of me forever given the option. Your Dad and your brothers also need me. My love for all three of you is so huge, it feels overwhelming.

We will be going back to the hospital soon. I am excited to see you, to kiss your face, to hold you on my chest, and for a moment pretend these moments will last a life time. I feel a sense of peace knowing I don’t hold the power to control your journey, I am just a part of it and feel blessed you chose me to be your Mother for the lead role.

I am going to meet you soon. I love you today, and forever and pretty much everyday my heart beats and then into any other life I may live. My love for you will always live on.

I pray I have the strength to give birth to you and I am able to provide you with an environment where you feel the love as you enter; where I have no fear for what the future holds and I am simply able to embrace the time we have together. I will face what comes next once our final goodbyes are said and then I will find my way to being the new me. You changed me forever and I am grateful.

I love you Theodore.
Your loving Mommy.