I am breathing in the most beautiful morning. Fresh Papineau Lake air, boys have gone fishing with Dad and Sweet Pea and I are having a quiet moment together. It felt like the perfect time to write you my dearest Teddy. Every since you entered our world this has been our most peaceful place to just be. It feels different from last year, and of course the year before that, as you were physically within me and alive. We have spent 8 night and have two more to go before we make our way home for a few days. Enough time to fully feel how everything has changed.
Feeling peace keeps changing. Last year I felt so much peace because there were signs every time I turned around. You were close. I felt you there, always. This year peace feels light. You aren’t as close, not that the love has changed maybe if anything it has grown stronger with space. You are the air I breath, the ripples in the water, you are the quiet moments, you are the spark within the fire, you are the colourful sky as the sun sets and rises, the song that comes on the radio, you are my everything yet you are light and subtle. Maybe the truth is I don’t need you as close, my grip has released and you are here but in the way you choose not in the way I once needed.
As much as I know you are always with us, I am so grateful to have a place where Ryan and I feel so connected to you and overwhelming sense of peace. I see you missing here too but it no longer swallows me up in grief. I see Ryan and the boys fishing, swimming, boating, learning about the different birds and other random father son activities and I see you missing. I watch my boys play together on the beach, going on walking adventures alone between the few cottages around us, the games they make up and play, the memories they have formed and I see you missing. I can’t help but wonder how different our lives would be had you lived. These moments often feel like a test, a test in staying present and grateful for all that we do have and not fall down the hole of what ifs. There are no amount of what ifs that could change our reality, there is only acceptance and love. I love you enough to feel grateful for our time we did have and love you enough to allow the space for you to be free. It isn’t always easy, but after the moments pass I see my family clearer, I see the gifts and just breath you in with all the fresh air, I hear you as the water ripples, I feel you move across my face with the gentle breeze and know all is how it truly is meant to be.
This is life, never easy, always worth it and forever changing and that is okay. We will always be okay, we have love and gratitude as our medicine. Love heals.
Your forever loving Mom
Forever in my heart.
We all have these moments in the journey of mending hearts when your breath is unexpectedly taken away. Those moments you don’t see coming. Those moments that stop you in your tracks and force you to feel it all.
Those moments don’t happen as often to me anymore but on the occasion they do, and I feel it. Like really feel it, and have no choice but to welcome all that comes with it.
30 weeks pregnant with our sweet pea, always actively moving, sending and receiving copious amounts of love and letting me know always how real she really is. Being 30 weeks wasn’t something I have thought about, the more pregnancies the less I seem to keep track of what week I have arrived at. Being my fourth I am shocked I even remotely know.
This morning as I was cleaning our house and dusting a bookshelf in our bedroom I stop to look at Teddy’s hand and foot moulds. There they were white ceramic with prints that have been indented from his tiny little hand, and his tiny little foot. This isn’t something I look at often, not something I even really think about. But there I am holding it and seeing how perfect that hand and foot really were. How tiny they were and all the while realizing that is the same size of our Sweet Pea’s hands and feet as Teddy was 30 weeks when he was born.
It is then my breath is gone, my heart feels all that happened and all that is yet to come. I am holding the mould of the most perfect foot and hand in my hands while holding equally perfect hands and feet within my womb, knowing that the hand that can no longer be held has one hand on my heart and one holding his sister’s hand within my womb. The three of us all at the same time holding each other, it feels heavy and beautiful. The power within that circle of love is greater than something that can be articulated but can only be experienced to understand the gravity of the impact a small moment in time can have. It is a circle of love, gratitude, joy and sadness.
Life is exactly as it is intended to be. It isn’t how I once envisioned, but it how needs to be. Growing a baby after having to say goodbye to another is a beautiful yet different experience. It brings the widest range of emotions that are forever changing. Some are hard and heavy and others are light and full of peace but all equally beautiful. Today I feel it all. As hard as that moment felt I am so grateful today I had the reminder how closely tied the three of us really are. How this journey would be impossible if we weren’t a team, and how the love that flows and supports each of us has to be equal and balanced.
My heart feels heavy today but I was due for a day of a heavy heart so I am sitting with it all full of gratitude that it came with such a beautiful reminder.
The Fearless loving Momma Bear.