Finding Peace

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.

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