The Mystical Mother

When I sit back and think what it is to be a Mom, like a really good Mom, not just to hold a title but provide what a child young and old truly desires I have to go back to the little girl within me. Spending time evaluating the Mom I was given, the Mom I wish I had and the Mom I want to be, all which makes me wonder if the being this Mom is more of a mystical creature, or a rare gem that few are truly blessed to have.

Who are you oh wise one? Better yet where are you? The little girl inside me screams to be mothered by this special mystical creature. I wonder how many people also knowingly or unknowingly are feeling the void of such gem.

To be loved unconditionally. Without judgement, to have the security to know that regardless what choices I make, behaviours I display or words I speak that the love is constant and unwavering.

To be loved more than you hate, or lack, to be put first under all circumstances. For your love to be larger than your jealousy, that your selflessness means you want anything and everything that brings positivity and love into my world even if that means it takes something away from you personally. You will always choose to simply love me more and sometimes that comes with sacrifices.

Pride, you see my accomplishments as if they are also yours. When I win you win. You see the beauty within me, for who I am. You see the potential I hold and always encourage me to take world by storm and experience it all.

Your love is so large that you show up. When you come to my home, you are helpful. You take back your Mothering role and help with all the physical tasks possible. You never forget you are the Mom and love Mothering when the opportunity arises. Your love is large enough you want my life to be easier even if temporarily.

Your love is so large that you show up, without hesitation show up emotionally. Your Mothering skills kick into high gear when my heart is broken, wavering, struggling, or feeling tender. You hold space, you find the words, the gentle touch that says together we will make it okay, tomorrow will be better.

You rejoice in my joy. Large and small moments that bring me great and little joy make your heart sing. You lift me up and feel this joy within me. You understand joy within me is also within you. No amount of joy I feel can take away from you, on the contrary it fills you as well. You wouldn’t do a thing to intentionally stand between me and joy but clear the path so that the joy can be amplified.

You provide a sense of security. To know that you will always show up. You will always do what needs to be done and that my heart, my life, my family is safe with you. You can be a soft place for anyone I love.

To enjoy each other’s company. To share a laugh, to remember a lifetime together, to talk about all that has yet to come, to dream about the impossible. To enjoy a friendship now as adults.

To love without expectations. To feel grateful to have a family, to be open and honest and to do what it takes to be a part of the family your children have made, to fit in without demands. To be okay with life’s imperfections and understand we own our roles.

To share gratitude. To verbally share your love. To see the blessings you have been given by being blessed with the family you have. To understand with gratitude abundance comes. To see life as a beautiful gift and treasure it as such. To be honest always, but by speaking from a loving heart, not jealousy, anger, or other emotions. To understand when we all choose love, we all win.

Does this creature exists? Being a Mom is hard. Being one, I know always making the right choice isn’t easy, sometimes the hardest choices are the most loving. I have to believe if our choices are driven from love, like true selfless love than maybe we can find our way to be closer to this. I think of what our world would look like if everyone had a Mom who could Mother them in such a way? How much more of a secure and loving world we might live in. Becoming a Mom has responsibilities and it is a job that is never ending. Not everyone can be a rare gem, maybe not even me. What I see so clearly is we all deserve to have this creature in our lives, to be loved in a way only a mystical mother can.

Maybe I can’t be this Mom everyday, but every day I can try. For the days I fail, I will give myself grace, and pray my children will as well knowing I am not mystical, I am imperfectly human but my love is powerful and my heart is overflowing with it for each child today and until the end of my days.

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Peace Changes with Time


Dear Teddy,

I am breathing in the most beautiful morning. Fresh Papineau Lake air, boys have gone fishing with Dad and Sweet Pea and I are having a quiet moment together. It felt like the perfect time to write you my dearest Teddy. Every since you entered our world this has been our most peaceful place to just be. It feels different from last year, and of course the year before that, as you were physically within me and alive. We have spent 8 night and have two more to go before we make our way home for a few days. Enough time to fully feel how everything has changed.

Feeling peace keeps changing. Last year I felt so much peace because there were signs every time I turned around. You were close. I felt you there, always. This year peace feels light. You aren’t as close, not that the love has changed maybe if anything it has grown stronger with space. You are the air I breath, the ripples in the water, you are the quiet moments, you are the spark within the fire, you are the colourful sky as the sun sets and rises, the song that comes on the radio, you are my everything yet you are light and subtle. Maybe the truth is I don’t need you as close, my grip has released and you are here but in the way you choose not in the way I once needed.

As much as I know you are always with us, I am so grateful to have a place where Ryan and I feel so connected to you and overwhelming sense of peace. I see you missing here too but it no longer swallows me up in grief. I see Ryan and the boys fishing, swimming, boating, learning about the different birds and other random father son activities and I see you missing. I watch my boys play together on the beach, going on walking adventures alone between the few cottages around us, the games they make up and play, the memories they have formed and I see you missing. I can’t help but wonder how different our lives would be had you lived. These moments often feel like a test, a test in staying present and grateful for all that we do have and not fall down the hole of what ifs. There are no amount of what ifs that could change our reality, there is only acceptance and love. I love you enough to feel grateful for our time we did have and love you enough to allow the space for you to be free. It isn’t always easy, but after the moments pass I see my family clearer, I see the gifts and just breath you in with all the fresh air, I hear you as the water ripples, I feel you move across my face with the gentle breeze and know all is how it truly is meant to be.

This is life, never easy, always worth it and forever changing and that is okay. We will always be okay, we have love and gratitude as our medicine. Love heals.

Your forever loving Mom

Forever in my heart.

Circle of Love ❤️ 


We all have these moments in the journey of mending hearts when your breath is unexpectedly taken away. Those moments you don’t see coming. Those moments that stop you in your tracks and force you to feel it all. 

Those moments don’t happen as often to me anymore but on the occasion they do, and I feel it. Like really feel it, and have no choice but to welcome all that comes with it. 

30 weeks pregnant with our sweet pea, always actively moving, sending and receiving copious amounts of love and letting me know always how real she really is. Being 30 weeks wasn’t something I have thought about, the more pregnancies the less I seem to keep track of what week I have arrived at. Being my fourth I am shocked I even remotely know. 

This morning as I was cleaning our house and dusting a bookshelf in our bedroom I stop to look at Teddy’s hand and foot moulds. There they were white ceramic with prints that have been indented from his tiny little hand, and his tiny little foot. This isn’t something I look at often, not something I even really think about. But there I am holding it and seeing how perfect that hand and foot really were. How tiny they were and all the while realizing that is the same size of our Sweet Pea’s hands and feet as Teddy was 30 weeks when he was born. 

It is then my breath is gone, my heart feels all that happened and all that is yet to come. I am holding the mould of the most perfect foot and hand in my hands while holding equally perfect hands and feet within my womb, knowing that the hand that can no longer be held has one hand on my heart and one holding his sister’s hand within my womb. The three of us all at the same time holding each other, it feels heavy and beautiful. The power within that circle of love is greater than something that can be articulated but can only be experienced to understand the gravity of the impact a small moment in time can have. It is a circle of love, gratitude, joy and sadness. 

Life is exactly as it is intended to be. It isn’t how I once envisioned, but it how needs to be. Growing a baby after having to say goodbye to another is a beautiful yet different experience. It brings the widest range of emotions that are forever changing. Some are hard and heavy and others are light and full of peace but all equally beautiful. Today I feel it all. As hard as that moment felt I am so grateful today I had the reminder how closely tied the three of us really are. How this journey would be impossible if we weren’t a team, and how the love that flows and supports each of us has to be equal and balanced. 

My heart feels heavy today but I was due for a day of a heavy heart so I am sitting with it all full of gratitude that it came with such a beautiful reminder. 

With Love, 

The Fearless loving Momma Bear.

Hand in Hand 


I look at this picture, I see the most precious hand that I thought was made for me to hold and him to hold mine until my forever came to a close. It is a hand that is etched in my mind so clearly and in my heart so deeply loved. It is a hand that at times I longed to kiss and hold physically, to watch it grow into big man hands that no longer look as cute but hold a powerful amount of love. 

No amount of longing or wishing will change the reality. Instead these days I envision how this was the hand that encouraged our new baby soul to join us, that he ever so gently placed her into the only home his hand knew and has been holding this soul so lovingly and now holding her hand as it grows bigger and bigger. I see the day she will be born, he will take her hand from his and place it into mine. Their hands forever tied through time spent together on a soul level. A gift she is blessed with; time with her brother she will never know physically here on earth. 

This hand has purpose. It holds power. My gratitude for this itty bitty hand is never ending. I feel safe knowing he has been aiding in her safe arrival, this hand has been guiding and loving her as she came from spirt to baby and will eventually join us on the outside to grow together as a family. Seeing this hand makes my heart grow every time I look at the picture, and every time I envision it in my mind and heart. This hand was one of the greatest gifts I received in my lifetime. 

With Gratitude 

Momma Bear, Warrior of Love ❤️ 

Our Family Tapestry Is Brighter –  Story of Sweet Pea 


In January 2017 the year of living began and Ryan and I took a vacation to Aruba for sun, love and relaxation. What we didn’t know as we were packing to go was the trip wasn’t just the two of us. We were taking along some of the most precious cargo life has. Before dinner one night we confirm that indeed another little soul has made my womb their home and our family and hearts just grew beyond belief. 

People often say no two pregnancies are the same. I can only speak from my experience and agree all four pregnancies for me have been different each facing different challenges yet physically they are very similar with all including terrible sickness for four months, then a few months of enjoyment and then the unbearable heartburn kicks in. 

Pregnancy a year after delivering, then holding your precious, loved baby while he dies changes things. I have read a lot about pregnancy after loss and I think it is also true that this experience is so different for everyone. There will be common threads that people will share but the experience as a whole is different and everyone faces different challenges based on their past experiences. 

Beyond worry I struggled in the early days with moments of being angry, I was incredibly ill and it felt so unfair that I had to do this again. It was never coming from a place of not wanting this baby or not being grateful to be a place for her to grow but they were real emotions and I had to honour them and allow them pass freely. 

As a warrior of love, I loved this baby long before she joined us. I wrote to her, knowing she was there, knowing it was a possibility that she may join us but also to make it clear if she didn’t want to join us we would be okay. We loved her enough to leave that choice to her and God, but our family was open and had room to love another soul deeply. 

With confirmation that she had chosen to join us, a flood of thoughts and emotions came over us. Fear, worry, and a love like no other. It became a daily practice for me to remind myself, “today I am pregnant, today my baby is healthy, today I am healthy” and anything beyond that didn’t matter because this was our truth. It was our truth and will continue to be until told otherwise. Ours minds are powerful, and once you have joined this club and met Mothers who have lost their babies from all different circumstances it becomes so clear that no one is protected from potential loss and it is easy to find something to worry about so I have to hold steadfast in my truth. Some days it comes easily and other days I have had to remind myself continually. The truth is no amount of worry will ever change the outcome, it only steals time and space that should be filled with love. 

What I didn’t expect was my overwhelming need to protect her. Understandably others have opinions about our choice to welcome another baby after our loss. Some are full of fear for us, some wouldn’t have made this choice themselves and they are unable to understand it, and some have reasons that I will never know or understand and that is okay. What we also know it is an extension of love for us and can understand as we too at times feel worry. At the beginning we naively assumed everyone will be filled with joy, love and hope for us just as they have in past pregnancies. When I realized that this wasn’t the case I immediately felt a strong need to keep her to ourselves to not share our news, not because we can’t handle judgment but because she deserves to be welcomed with love and excitement unconditionally from the moment her presence is known not when she is born healthy nine months later. She deserves all the love in world, she is precious, she is deserving and is a part of our family regardless of how long she will be with us. We learnt this lesson with Teddy, you don’t save heartache by pushing love and joy aside and allowing fear to take it’s place. It just doesn’t work that way. What we also know is no matter the outcome, we have no control of that outcome, we can only make choices as we walk the path and for us it is to Always Choose Love. Not only because she deserves it but because we do too and by doing so reassures us we will be okay no matter what happens. 

Timing is always perfect. It may not always feel that way but it is for us. This baby joined us just after Teddy’s first birthday. After our year of grieving ending and our declared year of living started. She joined us after our hearts found peace and were ready to welcome a new love. She isn’t the reason for our year of living, but rather a sign our choice was the right one for our family. What better way to start a year of living than to grow a healthy baby within your womb, who kicks and moves literally reminding you continually how alive we really are.  

Teddy’s life didn’t play out as any parent would envision for their child but his life was the perfect life for him. His death could look like it created a very messy storm but to me it doesn’t feel that way, it was only messy because growth was taking place, and messy can be beautiful depending on your view point. His mission to receive, teach and spread unconditional love was accomplished and he simply didn’t need years to do so. My heart and many others have hurt by the fact he couldn’t stay but it will never outweigh my gratitude for his life, and him choosing to be a part of our family. Teddy has given far more than what was lost, a price I feel was worth it, and have come to peace with. 

Each member of our family is as equally important as the next, we all have our roles we play and a thread that is woven to create our beautiful family tapestry. Each thread woven together is what makes us stronger. We are welcoming this baby with unconditional love and gratitude, she will be loved by all three brothers and will have a life journey of her own that we will honour and support. 

The birth of a new family member is exciting, it fills our hearts. It doesn’t not have any impact of how we feel about our loss of Teddy. His journey is one of his own and no one can take his spot or fill the absence of his presence in our family. Our two boys before him and his sister after were not brought to us for that purpose and it wouldn’t be fair to ask them to fill a hole carved in our hearts by the loss of their brother. So instead as a family we will continue to honour those who live their personal journey along side us and hold love for dear Teddy who travels with us in spirit. His place in our family is not growing bigger or smaller but will firmly be held the same with love as the years roll by. He is equal, he is loved, he is missed. 

If you can, send love to our sweet pea. If you feel fear or worry for us just know we will be okay no matter what happens. Acknowledge your fear and then please try to find your way to choosing love, she is worthy of it. She is already here, she is real even though you haven’t met her, she has been with us for a long time, way before she physically joined us and as surprised as we were when we had confirmation she joined us we weren’t shocked. It was always meant to be this way. Teddy without a doubt played his role in this miracle. Trust, and choose love. 

September is the month this beautiful sweet pea is intended to join us on the outside. We are lovingly anticipating the moment our eyes meet and our hearts grow once again in unimaginable ways. Her older brothers ask daily how much longer and also have so much love for her, and are eagerly waiting to meet her. Life is beautiful, life is full of gifts, some are wrapped up looking like hardships and some are presented in the form of a beautiful healthy baby placed in your arms. I so deeply hope we are given the latter but will find gratitude for whatever is meant to be. Until that moment we have faith, trust and will keep Choosing Love ❤️. 

Love, 

Momma Bear of four!  

Living with Intention and Zero Guilt. 


I haven’t written publicly in the last few months. I haven’t shared much of our journey to living in 2017 but today as I was driving to get some groceries when my car took me to a place to park with the view of our beautiful Bay and Teddy was on my mind. I look up and a sign saying Memory Lane is directly in front of me so here I sit writing what my heart is telling me to share. 

Living and not grieving doesn’t mean forgetting. It is actually the opposite. I probably think of him more often but that is because I can do so with gentle love that no longer holds heavy pain. He is with me always. He travels everywhere our family goes. Our love for him is equal to our other children. We have found our way to peace and loving him quietly. 

Life is ever evolving and so is our journey with Theodore. At one time I was desperately afraid people would forget him, would not acknowledge him, would not know how important he is. Now I know it is okay if his name is to never be spoken by another soul. I have found the peace in our journey that my love for him is enough. My heart knows how important he is, how much he has taught me, and how much love I have for him so seeking it from others isn’t necessary. He requires zero validation. Other people have their own connection to him, I can’t speak for their journey of loving and saying goodbye to him and I am okay with it being whatever it is for them. He came to teach many and I know without a shadow of a doubt he has spread his lessons far and wide, he has touched those I would never have imagined and that is one of so many reasons why I love him dearly. He has been so generous with his life and teaching of love. 

Letting go of all that could have been has been hard it has been messy but I truly arrived at a place where I am okay with it all being what it is. There was never supposed to “could haves or should haves” that wasn’t a part of this lifetime for him, this wasn’t necessary for him to have lived his perfect life’s journey. Realizing that desperately wanting all those life moments was for me and not him enabled me with time to see my love for him is greater than my personal desires for things to be different. My unconditional love dictates I want what is best for Teddy, and he lived what was best for this lifetime. 

Living with intention and not grieving gives me a new sense of purpose. I honour him always, but now I can be fully present for my other children, my husband, and everyone else around me.  Life is lighter, life is easier, life is enjoyable and I have zero guilt. Theodore was about loving and I know he would want me to love fully the rest of my life I have to live and being in the trenches of grief left little room for me to live that way. People always talk about the secret to happiness is finding balance. My life in 2017 has significant more balance than 2016 and I am grateful. 

Theodore is alive today in my heart as much as he was when he was in my arms and in my womb for all those months. My heart has fleeting moments of feeling heavy and I am grateful they are fleeting and they aren’t stuck because I feel closer to him today than the days I was desperately holding onto him with fear and heartache. I am still a Mom who’s baby is forever physically gone, a Mom who is forever changed but a Mom who wants to live with purpose in honour of that precious soul I have the honour to call my son. 

I also want others to know finding a way to happiness and gratitude is possibility should you choose to walk the path. It isn’t a smooth, well manicured path but when you find the light at the end you will know it is worth the work. Life no matter who you are will give you challenges and periods of your life that feel impossible. No one is saved from troubles in life, they just look different for everyone and one person’s challenges aren’t easier or harder than the others. They aren’t there to be judged. With love, hard work and accepting help from others the path can be walked. This path has no expire, and is different lengths for different people but there is light at the end should you venture down it. 

Peace, Light and Love to you all on your own journeys. Thank you for so much love and support as I have been walking mine. 

With copious amounts of Love,  

Teddy’s Mom 

12 Months of Lessons. Hello 2017

As we are turning over the calendar page to begin a new year I am feeling open and optimistic that 2017 will bring love, peace and joy.

Starting a new year for our family is a time we reflect upon the year we just lived, we review our goals we had set, we create a photo album containing moments captured during our family adventures and everyday life, and Ryan puts together a video containing clips with moments we have captured throughout the year. Every other year doing this ritual feels good, we feel proud of all we have accomplished, all the adventures we experienced and grateful for all the memories we have made with friends and family. This year is different. This past year was hard. Harder than any year we have lived to date. I hope it is the hardest year we will have to live. I see all the pictures of all the moments we experienced as a family and as beautiful as they are, and as much gratitude I have for those moments I see Teddy missing. I see my eyes in the pictures and in many I see how the light was dimmed. I see pain, I see through my eyes as if they are a window to my soul and see all I have felt this last year. It is hard for me to see. I also see the light being let back in as the pictures progress. The final family picture of 2016 was our Christmas picture we put on our cards we sent out and my eyes are finally full of light again. When that picture was taken I had a great sense of peace and my heart was filled with gratitude and joy.

The first year living with grief teaches you a lot. I am grateful for the lessons and as hard as this year has been I wouldn’t change it. I have learned we are stronger than we ever imagined. Being strong looks different every day and means something different to different people. Being strong for me has been the following.

  • Accepting when my heart was far too heavy to continue with my everyday life, and allowing myself to feel and honour all that my heart was feeling.
  • Waking up everyday and parenting two beautiful boys when my heart was so broken, and couldn’t help but see Teddy missing every time I looked at them.
  • Talking openly and honestly about our experience to help others who have experienced a similar journey feel less alone.
  • Keeping my heart open to allow joy, love and peace in when it would have been easier to shut my heart down and protect it from future heartache.
  • Choosing to seek help from many avenues and being committed to finding peace. I attended a grief retreat, went to counselling with Ryan, had Reiki, saw a Shaman, spoke to our minister, talked honestly to those I trust to hold my heart gently and without judgment, attended peer grief meetings, and wrote about it all, especially when it was hard and messy.
  • Allowing myself to feel joy and love for those in my life when they were blessed with beautiful life moments. It was hard at times for all involved to separate our heartache and the joy of their blessings.
  • Having the realization that our level of grief and sadness doesn’t equal our level of love for the one who died. You can love that person deeply and have a heart filled with joy for the life you are living even if it is without them physically present.
  • Openly admitting when my heart was heavy, life felt messy, and then also openly sharing when joy and peace have been welcomed and was allowed to stay.
  • Accepting help, asking for help, and learning to lean on others.
  • Giving grace to friends, family and even strangers who have been unknowingly hurtful, and to all who have judged not knowing what it feels like to be us. I have also had to give myself grace in times I have spoken words driven from hurt, or moments it would have been easier to be angry, place blame and/or have unloving feelings towards myself.
  • Finding peace, and welcoming it to stay took a lot of strength. I can say a lot of the time peace now stays for weeks. I have moments that feel heavy but they are mostly fleeting. This isn’t to say I don’t have times when sadness hangs around a bit longer or that in my life times won’t feel hard but by allowing peace to stay has given me more strength to allow emotions to be flowing in and out freely. I no longer hang on to them. I am more present and more open.

Being strong never looks exactly the same twice. It isn’t the same for different people and one’s strength can’t truly be judge by others, not even by those who have experienced a similar loss. We have all been blessed with unique circumstances in life, we have been gifted hearts that feel deeply and journey that is unique to its own. Knowing that it would seem like commons sense how we navigate a journey of deep loss would also be unique but so often people compare and judge. We judge ourselves amongst other’s journey with grief and the people on the sidelines tend to judge what they see looking in. Both equally unfair to everyone involved.

I have learned when we experience a loss the ripple effect is larger than we initially imagine. As time rolls on the realization that the loss continues in many forms. You are excluded from events or activities because either your heart can’t handle attending, or because you no longer belong. Relationship change some become stronger and new ones are formed, and other times the cracks in a relationship become very apparent and you are unable to unsee them. The death of someone you love is multi layered and is always unique to the individual.

Practicing mindful gratitude has taught me that in my darkest days there is always a glimmer of light to hold onto. Being grateful for blessings and teachings because of a loss doesn’t mean you are grateful the person died

Grief isn’t a party of one. It effects all those who love, share space and interact with the person experiencing the grief. It takes a village to get through it. We are all called to be apart of each other’s life experiences allowing us to grow, to become more compassionate and more aware of all that others experience in life. We can’t live it all ourselves but we can learn though those around us. It truly is a gift.

I have realized once you experience a life altering moment the old you is gone, a distant memory, and a person you and others might miss. The new you may be a better version of the old you, but it takes time to find your way there. It is one of the ripple effects to grief, and an added layer of loss but also could be a blessing.

I have learned that we all have our own medicine. What I need to navigate this journey isn’t necessarily what will work for others. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Everyone has to be true to themselves and support each other in the manner that works for them. There is no room for judgement but plenty of room to hold space, and offer love.

I have learned the old me was an incredibly judgmental person. The new me works really hard not to be. I understand as much as anyone how hard it is to not judge, to trust that a person is doing what is best for them, to trust people are genuinely good and the words they use and the acts they commit are based on love.

In 2017 I wish for a community that holds space for those in pain, shows an abundance of love, even when it is hard to do, and that we all consciously choose to not judge others, rather trust them instead.

Life is full of mountains to climb and valleys to pass, struggles in life are real. We all face them, they never look the same from one person to the next but what we all have in common is that fact we struggle. If we all spent more time loving ourselves and each other, our time here on earth will be that much easier. The load for each of us would be lighter. Worry is the thief of joy. If for the next 365 days we can choose love and encourage those in our communities to do the same I can only imagine what 2018 will feel like.