I Wasn’t Expecting This

My sweetest Theodore,

I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel a heart so full of love yet so shattered. My heart is like an infinity pool with my love pouring through the cracks and yet is always full. I wasn’t expecting to have my love for you deepen and grow even after we said our final goodbyes. I am not sure why but I assumed the level of my love when we parted ways was where it would always remain. But that isn’t how it works when you are a Mother. A Mother’s love will grow, deepen and evolve as the days pass. Just because you are no longer here with me, I am and always will be your Mom and will continue to Mother you just the same. My heart only knows you as my precious son Theodore, it holds love for you no different than Jack or Patrick so it only makes sense that this love would be continually growing. 

I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting that as my love grew so would my sorrow. It hurts so much. I want you back. I have a hard time imagining a lifetime without you. I am not sure how my heart keeps beating when it is so broken. I am so scared, I feel so fragile, there is no way I could endure anymore heartache yet the possibility is real. 

There was a time in my life when I thought forever was a really long time. I met your Dad and fell in love, I then realized forever will never be long enough. Now here I am, on one hand my forever won’t be long enough when it comes to Ryan, Jack or Patrick. Then there is you and the past 105 days without you have been the longest hardest days of my life. To think I have to live my forever without you seems too much to bare.  

Being a Mom is such a hard job. It was a job I desperately wanted and I am so grateful I was chosen. I feel so blessed I have 3 beautiful boys who wanted me to be their Mom. I knew this job wasn’t going to be an easy one, but nothing prepares a person to Mother a child who no longer walks among us. I want to tuck you into bed, I want to kiss your face, I want desperately hold you. I want to physically do all the things that show love, but instead I can only do these things in my mind and send you my love from a distance. The foundation of Motherhood is love. There is no question my heart and life has an abundance. 

Today, I am simply going to feel your absence. I am going to ride the wave of heartache and when the sun rises tomorrow I pray it brings a little peace. 

I love you Theodore. There is no doubt about that. I miss you from every fibre in my body. I am desperately longing for you. 

I look forward to seeing you again. My love will continue to grow until we reach the end of my forever. 

Your forever loving Mommy 

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