Embrace the Void

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Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break
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