Grateful for the Choice

Theodore my love,

So another Wednesday without you is in the process of rolling by. This morning the sun was shining bright, with a light dusting of snow on the ground and all seemed as it should. A great start to the day. As I found myself in the shower excited about the day I will be having with Jack and Patrick and thinking about what we should do, I quickly was reminded this day is another day without you.

The three of us went and met our friends at play group. It was wonderful. The boys had a blast. I met the cutest little boy, born only days before you. I felt paralyzed as I awkwardly stared at this perfect little baby boy. Why am I not holding you as you sleep today? I could see how this baby had grown since birth and reminded me how much time has passed since we said our goodbyes.

Today I am feeling the bumps, these moments that stop me in my tracks. I am choosing to love you, to not let my heart run away with longing for all that we are missing. I know you are with us, you show me all the time.

I have realized the difference in different days and how some days I have a choice. I can become lost in grief or I can choose to move forward with my day, having love in my heart and you on my mind but not allowing myself to be swallowed up with all that could have been. I also have days that the choice is there, but feeling the deep grief for you is what I want and it feels right. Then there are the days the choice is made for me and no matter what I want I am in it and can’t get myself out. All of these days are just a reflection of how deep my love runs for you. It is a love that is pure and every changing but never weakening.

Because of you, I have strength to make these choices and live with the days the choice is made for me. Your brothers will be forever grateful for you. They know when I am sad. They know Theodore brings tears to Mommy’s eyes and they know how deeply my love for you runs. They also appreciate having a Mom who when given the choice will choose to be happy and experience the joy of their lives. I know that life on earth is still evolving and being present with them is what they need. 

You sure knew what you were doing when you chose these two boys as brothers! They have the ability to know when I need extra love and provide it, all the while being their crazy fun loving selves which always brings nothing but joy.

Thank you my love, another lesson is understood. You are my greatest teacher. I appreciate you, your teachings and the love we share. My son you are so blessed.

Until I see you again,
Your loving Mommy

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