Today, I am choosing to see the gifts. I am choosing to love you, honour you but not be swallowed up in grief. There are times when this is easy. Today it isn’t easy but that is where I want to be so it is where I will sit, you deserve it and so do I.
I am not angry. I am not angry at you, at God or at anyone else. I have read so many blogs about how grieving parents feel or telling others how to act with a person who is on the journey of losing a child. Most of them don’t feel true to me, even though it is for many. I am not angry at the Mom who pops out babies like it is no big deal, I am not angry at the genuine person who unintentionally says something to me that cuts deep, I am not angry at stranger who has no clue what our path looks like and makes assumptions that sting, or at the person who wants to point out all that I am blessed with instead of acknowledging our loss as a profoundly painful loss, and I am certainly not angry at those who love us yet have no clue how to support us or have figured maybe we are over it or will be shortly (ps we won’t be, like ever). You see Theodore, our journey and my journey of becoming a Mom tells me that most people are good, most people put love first, and being angry doesn’t serve any one. We have no clue what others’ paths look like, we too can make assumptions but what would that serve? We all have challenges, I am happy for the Mom who never struggled with making a family, she probably deserved that break because in life her heart will have to tend to other challenges.
Not being angry is one of the many gifts you gave me. My heart longs for you in unimaginable ways. My heart doesn’t want to allow anger to take up space where love and compassion belong.
Today, I am going to be that person who points out all the blessings even if it is annoying to myself. I have learned a new depth to love, deepened compassion for others, empathy for people’s situation I don’t understand, a desire to be a better version of me, to choose love even when it is hard and especially to those who are acting in unloveable ways, to find gratitude for all the simple blessings, to celebrate everything big and small, to see that in tragedy there are beautiful moments, memories and gifts that should be seen and appreciated, and acknowledging the gratitude for all that we have been given in these circumstances doesn’t mean I am happy this all happened. I am incredibly grateful for God as I know he weeps with me when my heart is overflowing with grief, I am never alone in my loneliest moments as he always walks beside me in this journey.
Theodore, your lessons, and your gifts are abundant and I am grateful for it all. I love you. I miss you like I have never missed anyone before, but today I am celebrating you even though it doesn’t feel easy.
Your forever loving and grateful Mommy.