Words from the Heart

Newly Bereaved Parents

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

 


To the parents of a precious baby who left your world too soon.

I am so sorry your baby couldn’t stay. You aren’t alone. I am sure today you are feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your life. I am sure you are thinking what just happened, never happens. It unfortunately does happen and it happens more often than anyone would care to admit. You aren’t alone. You have a whole community of parents whose babies just couldn’t stay and who left behind broken hearts that will never be mended. The most amazing thing about hearts that are broken in this way is that they often hold the desire to help and love other parents through their journeys. When you are ready you will find these parents.

Your journey will be unique to you. As you navigate the coming days try do so with love in your heart and gentleness towards yourself. The day your baby left, a new you was born. This is going to take time to learn who you are now and there is no right or easy way to do this. Give yourself grace, you deserve it.

What I have learned about losing a baby is that they leave such powerful legacies and provide such purpose. There was nothing you did to deserve this; you are the Mother of all Mothers and the Father of all Fathers.

I wish with my whole being you weren’t reading my letter. I can feel the heaviness of your heart and of your arms that are aching to hold your precious baby one more time. This feeling will stay with you forever but with time will feel less painful.

When I think of grief I visualize a great big ocean of water. At the early stages it is all heavy. There are no ripples; it is pure grief. As time passes you will be given waves of peace. The waves come and sometimes they are short and other times you can ride them for a little while. With time these waves come closer together and they stay longer. I remember feeling so guilty when the first wave arrived. I remember thinking “how is it possible to be feeling at peace”. I even questioned if I truly loved my baby since it seemed unfathomable I could be feeling joy, peace, or anything but sadness after my world crashed and my baby left us. But what I have learned is to be gentle with myself. Feeling these things are not only okay but it is what your child would want for you. Welcome the waves, ride them for as long as they will stay, and then when the grief returns be present with it as well.

As you enter back into the world, remember grief holds no timeline; your feelings are yours and uniquely yours; no journey will ever be the same even though there are some common threads; and finally choose love when it is an option. Relationships change after a life event like this. No two people will react the same as they navigate a loss of this magnitude, but if you can find space to offer grace to others and to yourself then you should be able to find your way to loving the new you and to becoming okay once again.

I am so sorry this is a part of your life story. I am sending you love and light as you find your way.

Yours Truly,

Theodore’s Mom

Mother’s Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

moms boys

Mother’s Day. 

A day to honour all Mothers. There are all kinds of Mothers. Of course there is the obvious Mom, the one walking across the street holding their little one’s hand, or the Mom with a grocery cart filled with giggling children. Then there are the Grandmothers. They are easy to spot, especially when with kids in tow. You will see what we call “Grandma wounds”, kiss marks all over their face.   

Then there are the women who don’t have any children, who haven’t experienced pregnancy but desperately long for a child of their own. 

What isn’t obvious are the Moms who can no longer have a child with them on a day like today to celebrate due to a miscarriage or their baby born still. 

We also have the mother who was able to have the blessing of sharing a life with their child but then along the journey they are taken from illness, an accident, or some other reason that they are no longer together in this physical world. 

I am 4 of the 5 types of Moms described here. I have my two crazy boys who everyone loves when we go grocery shopping as they are busy flirting with all the ladies. That is me the obvious Mom . The kind of Mom people are comfortable with on a day like today.  I wasn’t always this mom, Jack was created after 3 years of praying and desperately longing for him with the help of IVF. He was bittersweet, Jack in the early stages was a twin and Ryan and I experienced an early loss of his womb mate. Recently I became the other type of Mom who lost a baby. Theodore was born on December 9, 2015 and passed away a mere 22 minute later. 

The three Mothers Days while we were actively trying to create a family were incredibly hard, I cried every year. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom. I realize now I always was. 

Then my first Mother’s Day was what felt like true Mom was so bittersweet. I was the mom that most are comfortable giving well wishes to on this Day. I felt so blessed to finally be holding a baby and celebrating but I was holding space for the baby we lost so early on. 

This year brings a whole new set of emotions. I have two beautiful boys. They make my heart sing. No matter how amazing my boys are or how much I love them doesn’t prevent my heart from longing for the two I no longer have. My arms ache for Theodore and my heart carries all the what ifs for our early loss. 

Approximately,
1 in 16 couples will experience infertility.
1 in 4 woman have an early pregnancy miscarriage
6 in 1000 births a baby is born still.
7 in 1000 children will pass under 5 years

With numbers like this we have to be aware how many women are falling into one or more of these categories and honour all types of Moms today. Being a Mom is hard work. The mom who is physically parenting on a daily basis deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who didn’t get the chance to feel her baby move inside the womb deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said hello and goodbye at the same time deserves the Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said goodbye months or years after birth deserves the Mother’s Day hug.  Then we have the Moms who are still praying for their intended family, they equally deserve the Mother’s Day hug. 

Being a Mom is the love in your heart not what you hold in your arms. So as you go on about your day, there is a good chance the woman you see or talk to is in fact a Mom even if it isn’t obvious.