To the parents of a precious baby who left your world too soon.
I am so sorry your baby couldn’t stay. You aren’t alone. I am sure today you are feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your life. I am sure you are thinking what just happened, never happens. It unfortunately does happen and it happens more often than anyone would care to admit. You aren’t alone. You have a whole community of parents whose babies just couldn’t stay and who left behind broken hearts that will never be mended. The most amazing thing about hearts that are broken in this way is that they often hold the desire to help and love other parents through their journeys. When you are ready you will find these parents.
Your journey will be unique to you. As you navigate the coming days try do so with love in your heart and gentleness towards yourself. The day your baby left, a new you was born. This is going to take time to learn who you are now and there is no right or easy way to do this. Give yourself grace, you deserve it.
What I have learned about losing a baby is that they leave such powerful legacies and provide such purpose. There was nothing you did to deserve this; you are the Mother of all Mothers and the Father of all Fathers.
I wish with my whole being you weren’t reading my letter. I can feel the heaviness of your heart and of your arms that are aching to hold your precious baby one more time. This feeling will stay with you forever but with time will feel less painful.
When I think of grief I visualize a great big ocean of water. At the early stages it is all heavy. There are no ripples; it is pure grief. As time passes you will be given waves of peace. The waves come and sometimes they are short and other times you can ride them for a little while. With time these waves come closer together and they stay longer. I remember feeling so guilty when the first wave arrived. I remember thinking “how is it possible to be feeling at peace”. I even questioned if I truly loved my baby since it seemed unfathomable I could be feeling joy, peace, or anything but sadness after my world crashed and my baby left us. But what I have learned is to be gentle with myself. Feeling these things are not only okay but it is what your child would want for you. Welcome the waves, ride them for as long as they will stay, and then when the grief returns be present with it as well.
As you enter back into the world, remember grief holds no timeline; your feelings are yours and uniquely yours; no journey will ever be the same even though there are some common threads; and finally choose love when it is an option. Relationships change after a life event like this. No two people will react the same as they navigate a loss of this magnitude, but if you can find space to offer grace to others and to yourself then you should be able to find your way to loving the new you and to becoming okay once again.
I am so sorry this is a part of your life story. I am sending you love and light as you find your way.