Always Making your Presence Known

 


Dear My Sweet Sweet Angel Theo,

I miss you in unimaginable ways. I wish life sometimes would slow down and allow for you and I to spend more time together. I wonder how busy I would have been with you here in my physical world? I have guilt knowing no matter how busy I would have been I would have had to make time for you, yet because you aren’t I don’t feel okay to say no to other stuff so I can say yes to you. I say yes to you in my heart all day everyday yet having to tell others I need space and time feels hard. I am sorry and I will try to be better at it.

There has been so much that has happened since I wrote you last. Your Dad and I went on the radio to tell your story. You have given us a gift of helping others feel not so alone in their grief. You are my favourite topic so talking about you makes my heart sing. You then made the paper! Can you imagine Theo! Your story was told on the radio and then in the local paper all in the same week. I am so proud of you.

We went to PEI to visit your Great Grandmother Pearl or as your brothers lovingly call her GG. We checked into the hotel entered our room and there was an elephant made from a towel waiting to great us. It made me smile, I know you played a roll in that. The boys played with their cousins, we all spent quality time with your Markin, Great Aunt and GG. It was so nice to be there with that side of the family. I feel as though you would have been a perfect Tomilson so full of love and generosity. I spent a lot of time thinking about you while we were there. I wondered how you were getting along with William your Great Grandfather as he passed away years ago and is eagerly waiting for Pearl the love of his life. I never had the pleasure of meeting him but I envision him to be an older version of you; offered so much love, loved by many and so fondly remembered.

You had a beautiful cousin Gabrielle Elizabeth born only two weeks ago. We haven’t met her but have seen pictures and are eagerly waiting to cuddle her at Thanksgiving when the Hewats get together. I cannot help but think how amazing it would have been to have both babies there together.

We are now at Papineau Lake, your most favourite place. I see you missing from everywhere I look. I feel from the depths of my soul I could weep more tears than the lake has water. Since we have been here my whole body screams and my tears cry “I want my baby back”. I feel this often but here it is overwhelming; to be in your favourite spot, a place where our family gathers to enjoy quality time together and you not be here with us makes my heart ache in a profound way.

I see so many signs you are here with us. When we first arrived I noticed your rock I painted at the retreat sitting on a rock. I asked your Dad why he put it there and he said “I didn’t, I thought you did. Well we better leave it there, he obviously wants it to be there.”. I agreed 100% and it makes me smile as we have no idea how the rock even got to Papineau let alone placed in that particular place. I have found 3 dimes, which is totally bizarre considering where we are but again make me smile. At least twice a day if not more when I look at the clock it will be 1:11, or 4:44 or similar to that. Then yesterday I was doing dishes and with such a heavy heart I was thinking about how incredibly unfair this is, we are in a very large trailer that we bought for you making us a family of five and needing more space and you just aren’t here. As that thought left my mind the lights start to flicker. A few moments later I say “thank you, you are right I know you are here” and the lights return to normal.

You see Theo, I will never stop wishing life was different, that you were here with us . Your absence hurts in ways I can’t describe. I know you would have loved the beach with the boys, floating around in the water and being loved by all the family. I see you missing in so many ways and then in so many other ways I see that you are right here with us. Thank you for showing me how truly close you are, especially in the times my heart hurts the most.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

The link to the radio show is below. Scroll to the last hour and that is where we start.

 

The link to the article in the paper is below.

Choosing love: a family’s journey through loss

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One thought on “Always Making your Presence Known

  1. This might be my favourite post. I can hear your voice as you talk to him, I love how clearly you can sense his presence and the rawness in your emotion. I’m sorry you’re raw right now, but grateful for a new stage of grief. I can see you moving and as long as you’re moving I know you’ll continue to be okay.
    💕🐘💕

    Liked by 1 person

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