stillborn

Hello & Goodbye

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Teddy,

The sunrise this morning was incredible. Heaven was glowing knowing today they were being given the most beautiful angel ever. You have given me more than I could ever imagine. Thank you doesn’t feel like enough.

You were born today with a heartbeat at 11:06am. It was a gift I know you gave us, and we will be forever grateful. Your Daddy and I cherished every moment we had with you. I feel so honoured your heart beat its last beat while laying on my chest, in my loving arms and next to my beating heart.

You were so desperately wanted. I want so badly for you to be apart of our travelling family. I am not sure how my heart will ever mend from this profound loss I feel from having to say good bye to you so shortly after our hello. Your brothers will forever miss you. I know they aren’t aware now but as their lives evolves they will know exactly how amazing you were and how much it incredibly sucks your journey had to be so short.

Your Father was so brave today. The way he looked at you melted my heart, he had so much love in his eye even though they were filled with sadness. He was so loving and supportive through this whole journey. You sure knew what you were doing when you picked him for your Father.

My arms are aching to hold you. My whole body is screaming to have you back and my heart is breaking knowing it will never happen. . . .

Saying I love you is an understatement.

Love your Mommy

The End Is Near

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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My Dearest Theodore,

I woke up this morning feeling concerned our journey was coming to an end and I just learned it truly is. I am showing signs that it is no longer safe for us to enjoy just a few more days together. I feel like the nose bleed I had last night was you telling me that I need to listen to my body not my heart. I am so conflicted. I am profoundly sad because I treasure every kick and roll I feel with you. I love how easy it is to feel connected to you. I would hold you inside of me forever given the option. Your Dad and your brothers also need me. My love for all three of you is so huge, it feels overwhelming.

We will be going back to the hospital soon. I am excited to see you, to kiss your face, to hold you on my chest, and for a moment pretend these moments will last a life time. I feel a sense of peace knowing I don’t hold the power to control your journey, I am just a part of it and feel blessed you chose me to be your Mother for the lead role.

I am going to meet you soon. I love you today, and forever and pretty much everyday my heart beats and then into any other life I may live. My love for you will always live on.

I pray I have the strength to give birth to you and I am able to provide you with an environment where you feel the love as you enter; where I have no fear for what the future holds and I am simply able to embrace the time we have together. I will face what comes next once our final goodbyes are said and then I will find my way to being the new me. You changed me forever and I am grateful.

I love you Theodore.
Your loving Mommy.