Layer by Layer 

2002 Thailand – a much older version of me captured this picture.

My Dearest Theo,

My journey with you has been one of transformation. I am never sure what is around the corner or what the next layer will reveal once pealed back. You have given me the gift of being able to see myself for who I really am, and realizing what I am not.

Piece by piece, layer by layer, and step by step I see me. I see what my heart wants, who I am, and the gaps in between. I see old wounds and how they have formed a hard shell over that soft spot to protect itself. This experience left me at a crossroads, I could either walk the path that allows me to form a hard shell over this shattered heart or to become open, vulnerable and honest. Knowing this path would be harder, but so much more rewarding I chose the later. To me it felt like it was the only option as my heart wants to be open and welcome all that this journey will offer me.

I am now like an onion, with all the layers being peeled back exposing all parts of me I no longer care for. These parts were always there, I was aware of them but they simply didn’t bother me. Now they feel different, there is a nagging sense that tells me “you are better than that” when I find myself being judgmental and falling into old patterns. It no longer serves me and no longer feels like me. The new version of me truly wants to live a life of purpose, to fearlessly walk with an open heart, to offer empathy and give grace for situations I can’t understand.

I was asked if it is easy to me. It isn’t, and I am not sure it ever has been. I wonder if it was easy to be you? We all have stuff that makes our lives more challenging than others. You live what seems to me a short and uncomplicated life, but maybe many would have said that about me as they made assumptions from afar. I always felt so close to you, yet I still don’t know if it was easy for you. I can’t imagine being you, knowing you had a wide spread of family and friends eagerly waiting your arrival, those who madly loved you from day one and you knew you would never get to experience all they envisioned for you. You came and left like a gentle breeze on a beautiful sunny day. Was that easy? It wasn’t for me, but I wish for you that it happened with ease.

I see these gifts our journey has given me and I am so grateful. I wonder about the gifts you have been given, do you look back with feelings of gratitude and sense you were given exactly what you needed? As hard as this journey of becoming the better version of me is, I feel so privileged to have been chosen for such an awakening. I thank you.

To say I miss you is an understatement. Yet I feel so conflicted, I am so grateful for all I have been given and yet I would give it all back to have you in my arms. . .

I love you. This love will be yours forever, it is a love my heart didn’t know existed until you.

Your fearlessly loving Mommy.

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