It is 5:22 am, the birds are singing, your brothers and Father are fast asleep and I am awake thinking of you. 150 days ago you entered into the world and left 22 precious minutes later. My heart met yours, my eyes saw the wonder you really were. You were so beautiful to me, and when I looked at you I instantly saw a video reel of an entire lifetime that will never be lived, all that you would never get a chance to experience all that I desperately wanted to experience with you.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, then Monday marks the 5 month anniversary of your birth and passing. It is hard to believe so many days have simply rolled on by. Tomorrow I should be waking up, your Dad and I exhausted from another night with little sleep, seeing your smiling little face, having your two brothers make breakfast with Dad and all of us together in bed laughing and loving each other, feeling so grateful I am the one you three call Mom.
As I lay here I wonder what you would have looked like at 5 months old. Would you have grown super fast and been a big boy like your brothers? Would you have been funny or taken on the roll of being our more serious baby? Would you have been easy going and a joy to take everywhere or would we have struggled to keep a schedule that works for you? The list of things I wonder is endless. What I know and never need to wonder is that I would have loved and appreciated you, I would have accepted you for whoever you wanted to be, I would have supported you in any and all of your dreams and would have provided you with all the tools to become the man you wanted to be.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. . . Tomorrow I will celebrate being blessed with three boys. I will celebrate having the honour to Mother each one in their own personal journeys. Your journey is one I wouldn’t have chosen for you, and I am sure in many ways this is preparing me for journeys Jack and Patrick may take one day that I too wouldn’t have chosen and yet will support. You have given me the hardest job a Mother can ever have and that is to mother a child I no longer hold anywhere but in my heart.
I love you, I know you have been with me this morning and I know this is why I couldn’t sleep. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. It is an honour to hold you in my heart and to know with the millions of woman you could have chosen, it was me you wanted. I am blessed and grateful.
Loving you is easy, living with you only in my heart is hard.
It is now 5:55am, thank you for waking me up to spend this time together.
Your forever loving Mommy