due date

Newly Bereaved Parents

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

 


To the parents of a precious baby who left your world too soon.

I am so sorry your baby couldn’t stay. You aren’t alone. I am sure today you are feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your life. I am sure you are thinking what just happened, never happens. It unfortunately does happen and it happens more often than anyone would care to admit. You aren’t alone. You have a whole community of parents whose babies just couldn’t stay and who left behind broken hearts that will never be mended. The most amazing thing about hearts that are broken in this way is that they often hold the desire to help and love other parents through their journeys. When you are ready you will find these parents.

Your journey will be unique to you. As you navigate the coming days try do so with love in your heart and gentleness towards yourself. The day your baby left, a new you was born. This is going to take time to learn who you are now and there is no right or easy way to do this. Give yourself grace, you deserve it.

What I have learned about losing a baby is that they leave such powerful legacies and provide such purpose. There was nothing you did to deserve this; you are the Mother of all Mothers and the Father of all Fathers.

I wish with my whole being you weren’t reading my letter. I can feel the heaviness of your heart and of your arms that are aching to hold your precious baby one more time. This feeling will stay with you forever but with time will feel less painful.

When I think of grief I visualize a great big ocean of water. At the early stages it is all heavy. There are no ripples; it is pure grief. As time passes you will be given waves of peace. The waves come and sometimes they are short and other times you can ride them for a little while. With time these waves come closer together and they stay longer. I remember feeling so guilty when the first wave arrived. I remember thinking “how is it possible to be feeling at peace”. I even questioned if I truly loved my baby since it seemed unfathomable I could be feeling joy, peace, or anything but sadness after my world crashed and my baby left us. But what I have learned is to be gentle with myself. Feeling these things are not only okay but it is what your child would want for you. Welcome the waves, ride them for as long as they will stay, and then when the grief returns be present with it as well.

As you enter back into the world, remember grief holds no timeline; your feelings are yours and uniquely yours; no journey will ever be the same even though there are some common threads; and finally choose love when it is an option. Relationships change after a life event like this. No two people will react the same as they navigate a loss of this magnitude, but if you can find space to offer grace to others and to yourself then you should be able to find your way to loving the new you and to becoming okay once again.

I am so sorry this is a part of your life story. I am sending you love and light as you find your way.

Yours Truly,

Theodore’s Mom

Finally Home . . . 1 year ago today. 🐘

~ Allyson Williams ~ 2 Comments

Littlest Theo finally home
Couldn’t have been happier to take my baby home that morning.
Theo my forever baby,

One year ago today you came home. The only home you were ever going to know here with us. You were welcomed in to my womb with love and anticipation of the life we were going to finally live together. Your Dad and I talked about you all the time ever since you were created and then put on hold for about three years. We wondered who you were, were you a girl or a boy, would you survive the thaw, would you start to grow once transferred to my womb, and then how amazing our family would be once you were earth side with us . Never once did we think that after being transfer and developing into the most beautiful baby that would have been the only time we had with you.

Babies die, but not ours. It honestly wasn’t in our realm of possibilities. You get past a certain stage in pregnancy and you have this false sense of security. It never crossed our mind that a baby we created out of desperate love and longing for a family could beat all the odds of conception, grow and then be taken. It seems like a cruel joke. Not many people get to fall in love with their baby years before they are implanted into their body. It wasn’t just a potential baby it was you Theodore Rutherford Williams.

I look at the picture that your Dad took of me moments before you were transferred home. The innocents in my eyes is so beautiful. I was just so in love with you and so excited we were all finally going to be a family and taking you home was one of the best feelings in my life. I felt so at peace that day. I was so ignorant to what this journey was really all about. Your Dad and I prayed together that morning and our prayers were answered we just simply had no idea what they really were going to look like once answered.

Well, what a year we have had! How blessed am I that I had the opportunity to have you with us for your whole lifetime. I carried you every minute of your beautiful life. The life we shared was of pure unconditional love. It was simple and it was easy then. The second leg of this journey is what is so dang hard. Living my life so far away from you, loving you as any mom loves their child and never being able to feel that love back in the traditional ways. It steals my breath, and at times feels impossible to catch.

Sunday I am off to a lodge two hours outside of Winnipeg. For five days I am sharing space, hearts and stories with 25 other Moms who love their babies as fiercely as I love you and also who can no longer hold them in their arms. These Moms are from four different countries and all different backgrounds but we share something that binds us so closely, only we know what it is like to Mother a child you can’t hold, see, kiss, and watch experience life. Only a bereaved Mom knows how tender the love really is and how one’s heart can still beat after being so broken in ways that will never be mended.

I look forward to five days of just you and me Theo. You and me, healing, living, and feeling peace together. Life is so busy with regular life, two precious boys and a loving husband at home. This gives me time to just be present with you for a few days and to celebrate you as the son you are to me with women who truly get it. I have no idea what this week will look like, and frankly I am open to whatever comes.

Thank you for the most incredible year we have just had together. You changed me in ways I didn’t know needed to grow, we shared the most beautiful 8 months I have shared with anyone, I learned a new depth to love and the gifts have been abundant. My heart is heavy with pain, but it is filled with so much love for you and has enabled me to love others in a deeper more pure way. This is all because you lived. I need you to know that I would never have made a different choice. Even if I knew before you were transferred that you would die, I would still to choose those eight months and a broken heart. Living a life where you never existed to me is a life not worth living. Thank you for choosing me.

Your forever loving Mommy.

Your Due Date

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

welcome

Happy Due date Theodore!

Today is the day our medical world predicted you might be born. Not that any of my boys have every been born close to their due date.

I was talking to Michelle the other day about how I felt conflicted with the significance of this day for us. I felt like it should be significant but isn’t since it would never have been a date you would have been born on.

Well, you clearly were listening. Born today was a little boy named Fitzgerald, birthed in the Don Williams birthing suite, named after your Great Grandfather.  Our dear friends Jess and Jeff were not due for another couple weeks. I was shocked to get the text but happened to be at the hospital that morning and had the honour to be the first person to meet this sweet angel only hours after he was born. I know this is no coincidence, and instantly this day holds enormous significance.

To say I was shocked is probably an understatement. I felt I was in an alternate universe. I had so many emotions. The most prominent emotion was love and joy for our dear friends and the new sweet angel Fitz but there were other emotions as well. I was scared, how would I ever see Fitz and not think of you, and all what should have been. I then realized that it was okay to feel this way and I didn’t need to be scared. I think of you every second of every day anyway, and I am not wanting to forget you ever. You will always live on in my heart forever. I also felt envious of Jess being so blessed to be holding a perfect new baby. Those feelings passed quickly, they serve no purpose, and choosing love is what will make my heart feel lighter and highlight the true blessing this situation truly is.

Ultimately, I know this was you, you doing God’s work and, making it perfectly clear that you are here with me. I know you will take care of me I just need to keep trusting this journey. It was no accident that Fitz chose this day. I am sure together you and Fitz agreed today was the perfect day to be born. I couldn’t agree more.

You are my greatest teacher. Thank you.

I love you. I am celebrating you and our new friend Fitz today.

Your loving Mommy