find peace

To Let Go 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

img_3280-3Theodore my littlest love bug

As you know I went to a medium. We connected and I am happy to know you felt our love story to the depth I have. I have spent my time since that day reflecting on all that was said.

I heard your message loud and clear. I need to let go. You assured me our love will not change but my heart will feel more at ease. I am beyond scared to let go. I am scared my love will diminish, rather than deepen. It feels counterintuitive to let go of something you have lost and desperately want to keep.

I am so new at this. I don’t know how it works and I am fumbling my way through life right now. I thought being a Mother was hard until I had to Mother you from afar. I am trying my best, but you need me to let go. Frankly I don’t want to. I will because you asked. For you I would do anything. I think I have proven this many times in our journey. It was just so much easier with you as my partner here on earth.

I am not sure how to let my heart release you from its grip. I am confident you will teach me. You are my greatest teacher and seem to find a way to guide me. I am open to try. I am open to your lessons

Please give me time and grace as I find my way to allowing you to be free. I will always write you, I will always love you, I will always mother you with a heart filled with love but I will let go. I trust you know this is for the best.

Until we meet again,
Your Mother, your soulmate.

Embrace the Void

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break

Valentines Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Teddy will you be my Valentine?

Happy Valentines Day my love! The sweetest gift of all would be a kiss from you. Instead I hold you in my heart and on my mind all day today. We spent most of the day at the Cooke’s cottage surrounded by amazing friends. It really was a great weekend as always. I felt your presence missing, like you just weren’t there. Not in the obvious way but in a way a person who feels an itch after their leg has been amputated.  I couldn’t let go of the feeling that you were intend to be with us there, the void was notable.  You are my son and I shouldn’t be celebrating family day without you.

Today I was holding baby William telling Bo and Jack that he was Lauren’s baby brother. Jack then told us he has two baby brothers. He sure does, and in his heart today he was missing you. He is so young yet he knows. It must be the time you spent in Ottawa together. I would love to know how your connection grew in those few months. I love the sound of your name when spoken by others but nothing makes my heart sing so loudly as when it rolls off Jack’s tongue.

I love you and am missing you today. I miss you always. Pretty much every second of every day.

Your Valentine, Mommy

Family Day Weekend

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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My dearest Theo,

Good morning my love. I am here at home taking a quiet moment drinking coffee reading a book about a woman who lost her baby at birth. It has made me laugh and it has made me cry. It is called “An  Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”. Patrick is still sleeping as he has a terrible cold and ear infection. Jack has gone to the Montessori School for the day.

My day will be spent packing and getting ready for our annual weekend at the Cooke’s cottage. I can’t believe you won’t be with us. It feels unimaginable. I know you will be there in spirit but my heart is screaming for so much more. The kids will play and baby William will snuggle his Mom and hopefully me too. We will take a picture of all the kids and you won’t be in it, yet in my mind I will always see you in the line up. I wish I knew what time would have done for you, what you would have looked like as you aged, how your personality would have fit in with the other kids and how different the dynamic would have been.  I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way.  I never imagined it. I need you to know how desperately I wish you were joining in on our fun. Every laugh, I laugh, every smile of joy I feel, every silly dance your daddy does and all the love we feel being close to our friends we are doing it all while carrying our love for you in our hearts.

I wish I was packing your bag too. . . My heart is hurting as I am reminded we will always be a travelling family of four. I miss your beautiful face and the anticipated joy I was going to feel watching you grow. I long to see you playing with your brothers, how silly you three would have been, the trouble you all would have caused and how full my home and heart would have always felt.

Your loving Mommy

Finding Peace

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.