I see you. 🐘

Theo my love,

My memory of you is so vivid, the weight of you laying on my chest, your birth, your perfect toes and your adorable nose. It was all so beautiful yet so fleeting and so permanently etched in my memory.

Saying I miss you is beyond an understatement. I have written you only a million love notes lately even though they have never been written down. Life is so busy, I feel like I haven’t had time alone to pour my love into you. I have been writing to you in the shower, while I drive, as cook dinner and any moment my mind is free to wonder back towards you. Do you hear them? Can you feel my heart yearning for you? Do you see me seeing you everywhere? Do you hear my private cries and the prayers I pray for us to meet again?

The permanency of our situation is starting to feel so heavy. I cry out for you to be given back, it is so selfish as I believe you had higher work to do but I want you. I want you in my arms, I want my lips to kiss those cheeks again, I want to see your eyes I never got to lay mine on. I simply want so much and it is something no one can ever grant me. There are no prayers loud enough, or powerful enough to return you to me.

I will carry you with me through life, I will see it all, all I wanted to experience with you. Your first birthday and all the other ones to follow, your first day at school and your last, your first girlfriend or maybe a boyfriend (I don’t judge and would love you either way) and then the day you got married and started a family should that have been something you would have desired. These are all the big moments for us, but I will see you in all the simply pleasures in life as well, rolling down a hill, riding a bike, running in circles and falling down dizzy, going to a fair, petting an animal, smelling a flower, catching snow on your tongue, your first swim in the ocean, you loving others. . . There is no time I won’t see you, it is impossible. As time rolls on what I see will change but seeing you won’t.

I put my heart into your hands. I trust this journey. It just isn’t easy nor will it ever truly be. How can it when the most precious part of me died? Your spirit and your purpose lives on and with that comfort comes to my heart. I am not sure how to stop wishing with my whole being for this to be so different? How to do accept the blessings and accept none of this can be undone? How do I love without the pain?

I love you, I see you, and I miss you in everything I do.

Your forever loving Mommy

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