27 New Sisters

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Theo my sweet boy,

Eli, Jayden, Landon, Knox, Calvin, Heartly, Levon, Luca, Sam, Tiago, Skyla, Halyn, Camilla, Grace, Scanlon, Isaac, Ember, Watson, Poppy, Benedict, Grace, Lauren, Larkin, Paige, Angelica, Lakelyn, Clara are some the sweetest angel friends you are blessed to have. To hear their names is like music to my ears.

Wow! What a week we just had. I had no idea your friends would be so incredible and their Moms would become some of my most favourite people. These ladies are generous with love, gifts, and their talents. These women are all individually so different and every single one of them have qualities that make me smile just thinking of them.

To spend a week with you, surrounded by these women and their babies was an experience I am having trouble to articulate. It was one week of my life where I was guaranteed to be understood, heard, valued, and had the ability to be open without having to consider how it will be perceived. There were no stupid comments, no one with an expectation to be over the loss, and there was no well intended comments that hurt. There was an abundance of love, there were hearts that feel what we feel, there were people who listen and are comfortable with our grief, there were more hugs, tears and laughter in the week than ever in my life.

Women are powerful, strong, and have an endless amount of love for each other. 28 women gathered for five days and the common thread was a lost child and profound heartache. We came from different parts of the world, with different stories, journeys and life experiences, and yet our hearts were broken in the same way. Our hearts carry the same weight, are broken in ways that can never be mended and yet have space to hold for others and a willingness along with pure desire to hold that space for a fellow grieving Mom.

There is something powerful to look into a Mother’s eyes who has a heart mirrored to yours and see her pain and realize how similar it truly is to yours. Without words she feels you and knows exactly what you would say if words were needed.

During this week I knew you were there just as all the Moms knew your friends were with them. I know healing happened for each of us. The signs were always there, from green orbs showing up in pictures, an eagle circling us on more than one occasion, and many other more personal ways you all showed us individually that you were present.

We are all home now and our safety net is gone, many of us are back in the real world where people don’t understand, a place people feel entitled to an opinion about our grief. Anyone who thinks our grief is over or should be shortly, is living a very sad life without capacity to love deeply, and for them I feel sorry. I will pray for them, pray that one day their capacity to love grows and when they eventually love to a deep depth they may at that time have compassion and an understanding on how the heart works but until then I will give them grace because they are ignorant and simply don’t know what they don’t know.

So Theo and my ladies, my sisters in-loss, the woman who get it and make my heart sing, together we are strong and for all the whispers we hear and don’t acknowledge, the comments that sting, and all the other typical bad behaviour because of you I brush it off and know that is about their lack of compassion and nothing to do with us. After being in such a safe environment the reality of the real world seems to sting just that much more as we haven’t fully put our armor back on.

Theodore, please tell your friends how deeply they are loved by me. I feel so blessed to have shared this one on one time with you. Spending time with these ladies was a gift from God for which I will be forever grateful.

Thank you,

Your forever grateful Mommy

 

I am finally rich. 


Theo my forever son. 

Today I have been looking at pictures of your service. Particularly the ones that captured an embrace from a family member or friend. I love these pictures as amongst the sadness I see the light, I see the love we are surrounded with and I see how truly blessed we are. 

As time rolls on and more light is let in, my heart desires to feel love and joy and I start to feel more at ease. I think of where I would have been if I didn’t have the friends that I do. Those who support us from a far and those who are close enough to hold space for us and love us in a more physical way. Theo you and I are so lucky to be loved so deeply by so many. 

Life is about love, and touching the hearts of others. To live a rich life without love is simply impossible. To live a life with deep loving connections is incredible and to be surrounded by those connections in your deepest hour allows you to see purpose. Because you lived, my life is forever rich. 

When I was a little girl and I had visions of my life, one was to be rich and all the ways I would make that happen. I had no idea in my young innocence that to be rich was as simply as loving, truly, deeply and unconditionally. It is because of you Theo I am finally rich. 

I love you, I will always love you and my gratitude for you coming into my life is endless. 

Your forever loving Mommy. 

The Days Roll On


My precious Teddy,

It is 5:22 am, the birds are singing, your brothers and Father are fast asleep and I am awake thinking of you. 150 days ago you entered into the world and left 22 precious minutes later. My heart met yours, my eyes saw the wonder you really were. You were so beautiful to me, and when I looked at you I instantly saw a video reel of an entire lifetime that will never be lived, all that you would never get a chance to experience all that I desperately wanted to experience with you.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, then Monday marks the 5 month anniversary of your birth and passing. It is hard to believe so many days have simply rolled on by. Tomorrow I should be waking up, your Dad and I exhausted from another night with little sleep, seeing your smiling little face, having your two brothers make breakfast with Dad and all of us together in bed laughing and loving each other, feeling so grateful I am the one you three call Mom.

As I lay here I wonder what you would have looked like at 5 months old. Would you have grown super fast and been a big boy like your brothers? Would you have been funny or taken on the roll of being our more serious baby? Would you have been easy going and a joy to take everywhere or would we have struggled to keep a schedule that works for you? The list of things I wonder is endless. What I know and never need to wonder is that I would have loved and appreciated you, I would have accepted you for whoever you wanted to be, I would have supported you in any and all of your dreams and would have provided you with all the tools to become the man you wanted to be.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. . . Tomorrow I will celebrate being blessed with three boys. I will celebrate having the honour to Mother each one in their own personal journeys. Your journey is one I wouldn’t have chosen for you, and I am sure in many ways this is preparing me for journeys Jack and Patrick may take one day that I too wouldn’t have chosen and yet will support. You have given me the hardest job a Mother can ever have and that is to mother a child I no longer hold anywhere but in my heart.

I love you, I know you have been with me this morning and I know this is why I couldn’t sleep. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. It is an honour to hold you in my heart and to know with the millions of woman you could have chosen, it was me you wanted. I am blessed and grateful.

Loving you is easy, living with you only in my heart is hard.

It is now 5:55am, thank you for waking me up to spend this time together.

Your forever loving Mommy