angel among us

Gang of Four 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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My littlest baby Theo,

Summer is in full swing. This weekend the sun was shining strong, your brothers were spending the days running in a sprinkler, playing soccer, and being super silly and free spirited boys. Your Dad competed in a charity dance competition on Friday night and won first place. I know you were right there beside him during the whole performance. Would you have been a good dancer? Your brothers love to dance and anytime the music is turned on they are grooving! Your Uncle Terry was here all weekend. He would have loved you dearly. We spent some time watching super bike races this afternoon. All four boys loved them, I am sure you too would have been crazy for the speed and power.

I felt your absence every minute of this incredible weekend. It seems so unfair for us to be together making so many memories and you are left to watch from a distance. Do you feel like it is unfair? Do you watch us with a heavy heart wishing as hard as I do it was so different? Do you want to be rolling on the grass with your brothers? Do you want to be a part of the love attacks your brothers get into? Do you feel their love even though it is at a distance?

You sure picked a great Dad. I have been thinking how right you were to pick him. His love for you runs deep. You are forever on his mind. I watch him with Jack and Patrick and think of all the ways you four would have fit perfectly together. The adventures you would have taken with him and the memories you would have made. I wonder how similar you would have been to him. Would you have love the tourism industry? Would have had the love for The Bay of Quinte Region? Would you have volunteered your time in similar ways? Would you have valued simple days with the family? Would have played the piano? Would you have shared his faith in God? Would you have been as thoughtful and as caring as he is? Would you one day be a Dad just like him? When it comes to Dads it doesn’t get better than him. I am so sorry you both can’t share it all.

This experience of losing you comes with so many layers. My heart breaks for me, as your Mom who desperately wants you back in my life. My heart breaks for Jack and Patrick, as they forever lost a brother who they would have adored and would have shared a life so close and so filled with love. My heart breaks for your Dad who lost you, his third son. It was meant to be a gang of four sharing all father and son experiences. My heart breaks for all of your Grandparents who also feel your absence and feel sadness for their children who are heavy with grief. The layers are thick, they are heavy and they are real. These layers are there because you are loved by so many and so very deeply.

I love you, I miss you, I feel you.

Your forever loving Mommy

Anger Simply Doesn’t Serve Me.

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theodore,

Today, I am choosing to see the gifts. I am choosing to love you, honour you but not be swallowed up in grief. There are times when this is easy. Today it isn’t easy but that is where I want to be so it is where I will sit, you deserve it and so do I.

I am not angry. I am not angry at you, at God or at anyone else. I have read so many blogs about how grieving parents feel or telling others how to act with a person who is on the journey of losing a child. Most of them don’t feel true to me, even though it is for many. I am not angry at the Mom who pops out babies like it is no big deal, I am not angry at the genuine person who unintentionally says something to me that cuts deep, I am not angry at stranger who has no clue what our path looks like and makes assumptions that sting, or at the person who wants to point out all that I am blessed with instead of acknowledging our loss as a profoundly painful loss, and I am certainly not angry at those who love us yet have no clue how to support us or have figured maybe we are over it or will be shortly (ps we won’t be, like ever). You see Theodore, our journey and my journey of becoming a Mom tells me that most people are good, most people put love first, and being angry doesn’t serve any one. We have no clue what others’ paths look like, we too can make assumptions but what would that serve? We all have challenges, I am happy for the Mom who never struggled with making a family, she probably deserved that break because in life her heart will have to tend to other challenges.

Not being angry is one of the many gifts you gave me. My heart longs for you in unimaginable ways. My heart doesn’t want to allow anger to take up space where love and compassion belong.

Today, I am going to be that person who points out all the blessings even if it is annoying to myself. I have learned a new depth to love, deepened compassion for others, empathy for people’s situation I don’t understand, a desire to be a better version of me, to choose love even when it is hard and especially to those who are acting in unloveable ways, to find gratitude for all the simple blessings, to celebrate everything big and small, to see that in tragedy there are beautiful moments, memories and gifts that should be seen and appreciated, and acknowledging the gratitude for all that we have been given in these circumstances doesn’t mean I am happy this all happened. I am incredibly grateful for God as I know he weeps with me when my heart is overflowing with grief, I am never alone in my loneliest moments as he always walks beside me in this journey.

Theodore, your lessons, and your gifts are abundant and I am grateful for it all. I love you. I miss you like I have never missed anyone before, but today I am celebrating you even though it doesn’t feel easy.

Your forever loving and grateful Mommy.

I see you. 🐘

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Theo my love,

My memory of you is so vivid, the weight of you laying on my chest, your birth, your perfect toes and your adorable nose. It was all so beautiful yet so fleeting and so permanently etched in my memory.

Saying I miss you is beyond an understatement. I have written you only a million love notes lately even though they have never been written down. Life is so busy, I feel like I haven’t had time alone to pour my love into you. I have been writing to you in the shower, while I drive, as cook dinner and any moment my mind is free to wonder back towards you. Do you hear them? Can you feel my heart yearning for you? Do you see me seeing you everywhere? Do you hear my private cries and the prayers I pray for us to meet again?

The permanency of our situation is starting to feel so heavy. I cry out for you to be given back, it is so selfish as I believe you had higher work to do but I want you. I want you in my arms, I want my lips to kiss those cheeks again, I want to see your eyes I never got to lay mine on. I simply want so much and it is something no one can ever grant me. There are no prayers loud enough, or powerful enough to return you to me.

I will carry you with me through life, I will see it all, all I wanted to experience with you. Your first birthday and all the other ones to follow, your first day at school and your last, your first girlfriend or maybe a boyfriend (I don’t judge and would love you either way) and then the day you got married and started a family should that have been something you would have desired. These are all the big moments for us, but I will see you in all the simply pleasures in life as well, rolling down a hill, riding a bike, running in circles and falling down dizzy, going to a fair, petting an animal, smelling a flower, catching snow on your tongue, your first swim in the ocean, you loving others. . . There is no time I won’t see you, it is impossible. As time rolls on what I see will change but seeing you won’t.

I put my heart into your hands. I trust this journey. It just isn’t easy nor will it ever truly be. How can it when the most precious part of me died? Your spirit and your purpose lives on and with that comfort comes to my heart. I am not sure how to stop wishing with my whole being for this to be so different? How to do accept the blessings and accept none of this can be undone? How do I love without the pain?

I love you, I see you, and I miss you in everything I do.

Your forever loving Mommy

The Days Roll On

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


My precious Teddy,

It is 5:22 am, the birds are singing, your brothers and Father are fast asleep and I am awake thinking of you. 150 days ago you entered into the world and left 22 precious minutes later. My heart met yours, my eyes saw the wonder you really were. You were so beautiful to me, and when I looked at you I instantly saw a video reel of an entire lifetime that will never be lived, all that you would never get a chance to experience all that I desperately wanted to experience with you.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, then Monday marks the 5 month anniversary of your birth and passing. It is hard to believe so many days have simply rolled on by. Tomorrow I should be waking up, your Dad and I exhausted from another night with little sleep, seeing your smiling little face, having your two brothers make breakfast with Dad and all of us together in bed laughing and loving each other, feeling so grateful I am the one you three call Mom.

As I lay here I wonder what you would have looked like at 5 months old. Would you have grown super fast and been a big boy like your brothers? Would you have been funny or taken on the roll of being our more serious baby? Would you have been easy going and a joy to take everywhere or would we have struggled to keep a schedule that works for you? The list of things I wonder is endless. What I know and never need to wonder is that I would have loved and appreciated you, I would have accepted you for whoever you wanted to be, I would have supported you in any and all of your dreams and would have provided you with all the tools to become the man you wanted to be.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. . . Tomorrow I will celebrate being blessed with three boys. I will celebrate having the honour to Mother each one in their own personal journeys. Your journey is one I wouldn’t have chosen for you, and I am sure in many ways this is preparing me for journeys Jack and Patrick may take one day that I too wouldn’t have chosen and yet will support. You have given me the hardest job a Mother can ever have and that is to mother a child I no longer hold anywhere but in my heart.

I love you, I know you have been with me this morning and I know this is why I couldn’t sleep. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. It is an honour to hold you in my heart and to know with the millions of woman you could have chosen, it was me you wanted. I am blessed and grateful.

Loving you is easy, living with you only in my heart is hard.

It is now 5:55am, thank you for waking me up to spend this time together.

Your forever loving Mommy

Grateful for the Choice

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

So another Wednesday without you is in the process of rolling by. This morning the sun was shining bright, with a light dusting of snow on the ground and all seemed as it should. A great start to the day. As I found myself in the shower excited about the day I will be having with Jack and Patrick and thinking about what we should do, I quickly was reminded this day is another day without you.

The three of us went and met our friends at play group. It was wonderful. The boys had a blast. I met the cutest little boy, born only days before you. I felt paralyzed as I awkwardly stared at this perfect little baby boy. Why am I not holding you as you sleep today? I could see how this baby had grown since birth and reminded me how much time has passed since we said our goodbyes.

Today I am feeling the bumps, these moments that stop me in my tracks. I am choosing to love you, to not let my heart run away with longing for all that we are missing. I know you are with us, you show me all the time.

I have realized the difference in different days and how some days I have a choice. I can become lost in grief or I can choose to move forward with my day, having love in my heart and you on my mind but not allowing myself to be swallowed up with all that could have been. I also have days that the choice is there, but feeling the deep grief for you is what I want and it feels right. Then there are the days the choice is made for me and no matter what I want I am in it and can’t get myself out. All of these days are just a reflection of how deep my love runs for you. It is a love that is pure and every changing but never weakening.

Because of you, I have strength to make these choices and live with the days the choice is made for me. Your brothers will be forever grateful for you. They know when I am sad. They know Theodore brings tears to Mommy’s eyes and they know how deeply my love for you runs. They also appreciate having a Mom who when given the choice will choose to be happy and experience the joy of their lives. I know that life on earth is still evolving and being present with them is what they need. 

You sure knew what you were doing when you chose these two boys as brothers! They have the ability to know when I need extra love and provide it, all the while being their crazy fun loving selves which always brings nothing but joy.

Thank you my love, another lesson is understood. You are my greatest teacher. I appreciate you, your teachings and the love we share. My son you are so blessed.

Until I see you again,
Your loving Mommy