goodbye

Embrace the Void

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break

Thank you for the reminder. 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.

Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.

We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.

We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.

We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.

I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!

Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.

Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.

You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.

Your forever loving Mommy.

Only a Lifetime or more. . .

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my dearest love,

I am here. I came as I promised. Your foot stone is filled with ice and snow. I can’t see you. My heart is breaking. I can’t place my gifts I just brought for you. There is hardly any snow around you but where you lay is filled and it is so hard I can’t clear it off. I now wish we would have picked a stone that stood up. I didn’t foresee this problem when we picked it out. I am so sorry.

The day is grey, my heart is heavy, and the lake is frozen just as your grave. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I truly can’t be visiting my son at a gravesite can I? This isn’t for real is it? Lord have mercy on my soul and be gentle with my fragile heart. . .

I love you Theodore. I love you and miss you in unimaginable ways. Some say I just need time, time to get over you, my loss and the grief I feel. I do need time but unfortunately there isn’t enough time in this lifetime. Should we not meet again in our next life my heart will carry the loss with me through that life as well. I will miss you until I see you again and then will continue to miss all the time we lost. This isn’t something that will go away, it is now my new normal. So to sum it up, anyone who knows me will never live to see the day that I am over this. It just won’t happen.

I often wonder if you miss us too? Do you see us and wish you were here in the physical world? Do ever wish you had a bit more time with us? Do you long to be held, just like I long to hold you? Do you wish it was different? I know there is purpose and it is this way for a reason but does your heart feel what mine feels even though we know it can’t be changed? A part of me hopes you do, that is me being selfish and wanting you to want to be with us even though is wasn’t part of the journey. Then the bigger part of me would never want you to feel what my heart is feeling not even a tenth of it, as the pain is so overwhelming.

This past weekend your Grandparents were honoured as Guardian Angels for children in our area for their contributions that have helped children. It was a great night. We had so much fun with friends dancing the night away. I couldn’t help thinking about the fact had you lived we wouldn’t have gone, or at least I wouldn’t have. I would have been home with you and your brothers. Sad truth is I would have been at home slightly sad I was missing out, now what I wouldn’t have done to be home with you.

Life is all about perspective. I now see things that I can only long for and know had I had them I wouldn’t have had the appreciation to the degree it would deserve and maybe at times resented. Just another gift you have given me; clarity and appreciation. On occasion I feel myself annoyed by Jack and Patrick or even Ryan (yes he was created from two Angels but is no Saint 😉) and now I simply need to ask myself “how badly would I long for this should I lose them” and my feelings of annoyance disappear.

Theodore, I will be back this week as the weather is warming up so the snow and ice should be gone. My heart is forever yours.

Your forever loving Mommy 

 

Family Day Weekend

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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My dearest Theo,

Good morning my love. I am here at home taking a quiet moment drinking coffee reading a book about a woman who lost her baby at birth. It has made me laugh and it has made me cry. It is called “An  Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”. Patrick is still sleeping as he has a terrible cold and ear infection. Jack has gone to the Montessori School for the day.

My day will be spent packing and getting ready for our annual weekend at the Cooke’s cottage. I can’t believe you won’t be with us. It feels unimaginable. I know you will be there in spirit but my heart is screaming for so much more. The kids will play and baby William will snuggle his Mom and hopefully me too. We will take a picture of all the kids and you won’t be in it, yet in my mind I will always see you in the line up. I wish I knew what time would have done for you, what you would have looked like as you aged, how your personality would have fit in with the other kids and how different the dynamic would have been.  I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way.  I never imagined it. I need you to know how desperately I wish you were joining in on our fun. Every laugh, I laugh, every smile of joy I feel, every silly dance your daddy does and all the love we feel being close to our friends we are doing it all while carrying our love for you in our hearts.

I wish I was packing your bag too. . . My heart is hurting as I am reminded we will always be a travelling family of four. I miss your beautiful face and the anticipated joy I was going to feel watching you grow. I long to see you playing with your brothers, how silly you three would have been, the trouble you all would have caused and how full my home and heart would have always felt.

Your loving Mommy

Two Months Has Passed

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theo my love,

I woke up feeling close to you today, you met me in my dreams. You made me inspired to love louder.

I spent the day with your older brother Jack today. We went to gymnastics and then had a lunch date. I couldn’t help but miss you, you should have been with us, you should have been snuggled into a carrier as Jack and I ran around. Then I got thinking . . . If you were meant to stay earthside with us you wouldn’t have been in a carrier but relaxing in my womb. You and I as one.

I am not sure how to look at it. If you were to be born and needed surgery, you most likely would be born this week or next at the latest. Then there is the thought of you being healthy with a heart that didn’t even skip a beat, you would be just like your brothers and would be born two weeks late and making your grand entrance at the end of the month.

Next week is your “due date”. February 17, 2016 it feels significant yet as I just described it seems to hold little value considering all the possible outcomes you never would have been born on that day.

I love you, I miss you and look forward to meeting you in my dreams again real soon my angel.

Your loving Mommy.

Finding Peace

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.

Our Final Goodbye

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Theo my love,

Today is your funeral. Your celebration of life. It was a short life but such a powerful life with so much purpose.

My heart is hurting. I am so nervous about giving your eulogy, it is your story and I want it to be heard. I pray you are with me so I can get through it.

It is hard to believe you are gone, gone from my life forever. I feel like we have lived a few lifetimes together. Our connection was so powerful when you were in my womb. I fear as time goes on this connection will feel further and further away.

I must go and get ready now so please know how much you are loved, and intensely missed. I am happy after today everyone will know more about you, that you weren’t “just a baby” but in fact you were a very old soul in a very young body that was here to help others learn life lessons and grow in ways no one was expecting.

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Today was perfect, I just got home after spending time with close friends from out of town and family from my side of the family. It was nice to spend time with everyone together.

On the way to the Church we picked you up at the funeral home. You were in a beautiful wooden box your father picked out for you. It was the first and the last time we would be the travelling family of five we always envisioned. Only it was totally different.

Your service was amazing, there was so much love, so many people attended and we couldn’t have been more pleased. I read your eulogy. I could feel your presence with me. It was hard to talk about you, but felt so good for people to hear your story. People loved it. The ministers gave a beautiful message, we sang hymns and then we proceeded to your final resting place. Your father picked the most beautiful spot on the Bay of Quinte. You couldn’t be closer to the water. It is the perfect place. You actually couldn’t be closer to our home as well.

The reception at the restaurant was really nice. It gave us an opportunity to chat with many who came to celebrate you.

Your brothers aren’t old enough to understand what was happening but Jack asked a few times “why is everyone so sad”. He knew something profoundly sad happened. Patrick was blissfully unaware.

It is hard to believe today is here and now gone. I am not sure how my next days are going to feel, how will I start living a life without you . . .

I love you. More than my heart could have every imagined.

Missing you immensely.
Love your Mommy