infant

The Ending will be Beautiful 🐘

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


My dearest Theodore

Summer is on the way. I am thinking about how much you would have loved spending time at Papineau Lake this year and how much you loved it last year. I am looking forward to the memories we will make but knowing you won’t be included in them makes me feel like they will be incomplete.

You never got to feel the wind on your face or the sun at your back. You will never wish upon a star or pull apart a dandelion wondering if she loves you or not. How could your life be so beautiful and fulfilled, yet there are so many things I wished for you. How do I let go of all I wanted for you and accept you received all you needed? I know this to be true but I can’t help to long for more for you. For you, I wish it all. . .

Yet I know you had it all. You experienced something many of us never have the opportunity. Through this I was blessed to be the one to learn how to love unconditionally. Maybe that is all we ever need. Maybe if we were all blessed to be loved so deeply, so truly and purely that no matter what we did, thought or felt the other would do nothing but love us through it and for us to love all other beings in such a way as well and then we too would feel completely fulfilled.

You said you wanted me to let go. You want my heart to heal. I have thought long and hard about our love story. I know how I want the ending to look like. I want the last chapter to describe how I did let go, and how I am able to love you wholeheartedly and how the profound pain and sadness is replaced with peace. I will simply love you, our experience and accept this is all it was supposed to be, and no longer long for more and to be grateful for all I have.

Our story has been beautiful, it can’t end with me forever hurting. . . This couldn’t have been the plan.

I know when things feel hard it is a time of growth. This has been the biggest personal growth transformation I have experienced. I am far from reaching our last chapter. I frankly have no clue how to arrive there but I do know it is how it has to end. I love you too much to allow myself to feel a lifetime of profound sadness. You have been my greatest teacher, I am confident you will guide me down the path to reach our destination of loving, remembering and accepting of all that is with pure peace in my heart.

I am not there. I have haven’t arrived, I am so far from the end but at least I have a destination to navigate towards and with you as my compass I have no doubt one day I will arrive and be so grateful as I look back at the journey we took together to find pure unconditional love and peace in our hearts.

Thank you. My love for you is and has always been unconditional. I now need to learn to find my way to loving all beings in the same manner. Maybe then it will truly feel like peace on earth.

Your forever loving Mommy.

It is all in the Numbers 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

My Dearest Theo

Today brings us to exactly four months since you were born at 11:22am, since we met face to face and heart to heart. Today is 122 days since you left my physical world.

I miss you today as much as I did the minute we said goodbye. I was up most of the night thinking about you among a few other things. I have recently been told you were a Master Teacher, and being born at 11:22am and living for 22 minutes signified that, I was told I too have a master number and needed this experience for that part of me to emerge. I had no clue and still don’t know exactly what it all means but while I was awake I was researching Master Numbers and I learned 11 & 22 are master numbers. I then did the calculations for my life path and it came to 33 which is apparently also a Master Number. The number 33 has followed me throughout my life and appears everywhere for me.

It was not shock when I was told about the significance of your number. I am so grateful for your teachings and you are the best teacher I have encountered. I have no doubt that I was intended to look more into your Master Number 22 exactly 122 days after your passing. There are no coincidences in life. . .

Today is beautiful, chilly but the sun is shining. Today I promise to spend my time honouring you, and remembering all the incredible moments we have shared on this amazing journey with an open heart. My heart wants to do the opposite, it wants to curl up in a corner and mourn all that we have lost and all that we won’t ever have. But today is going to be a day I choose to love you without pain. This choice isn’t an easy one but I know it is what you want for me so I will try.

I love you little Mr Theodore. I love you, I long for you and I have been grateful for you every minute of the last 122 days and in the months prior. I will continue to be grateful for you until we meet again.

Your forever loving Mommy.

To Let Go 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

img_3280-3Theodore my littlest love bug

As you know I went to a medium. We connected and I am happy to know you felt our love story to the depth I have. I have spent my time since that day reflecting on all that was said.

I heard your message loud and clear. I need to let go. You assured me our love will not change but my heart will feel more at ease. I am beyond scared to let go. I am scared my love will diminish, rather than deepen. It feels counterintuitive to let go of something you have lost and desperately want to keep.

I am so new at this. I don’t know how it works and I am fumbling my way through life right now. I thought being a Mother was hard until I had to Mother you from afar. I am trying my best, but you need me to let go. Frankly I don’t want to. I will because you asked. For you I would do anything. I think I have proven this many times in our journey. It was just so much easier with you as my partner here on earth.

I am not sure how to let my heart release you from its grip. I am confident you will teach me. You are my greatest teacher and seem to find a way to guide me. I am open to try. I am open to your lessons

Please give me time and grace as I find my way to allowing you to be free. I will always write you, I will always love you, I will always mother you with a heart filled with love but I will let go. I trust you know this is for the best.

Until we meet again,
Your Mother, your soulmate.

Embrace the Void

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

img_3249

Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break

Thank you for the reminder. 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.

Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.

We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.

We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.

We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.

I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!

Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.

Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.

You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.

Your forever loving Mommy.

Finding Peace

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.

Hello & Goodbye

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Teddy,

The sunrise this morning was incredible. Heaven was glowing knowing today they were being given the most beautiful angel ever. You have given me more than I could ever imagine. Thank you doesn’t feel like enough.

You were born today with a heartbeat at 11:06am. It was a gift I know you gave us, and we will be forever grateful. Your Daddy and I cherished every moment we had with you. I feel so honoured your heart beat its last beat while laying on my chest, in my loving arms and next to my beating heart.

You were so desperately wanted. I want so badly for you to be apart of our travelling family. I am not sure how my heart will ever mend from this profound loss I feel from having to say good bye to you so shortly after our hello. Your brothers will forever miss you. I know they aren’t aware now but as their lives evolves they will know exactly how amazing you were and how much it incredibly sucks your journey had to be so short.

Your Father was so brave today. The way he looked at you melted my heart, he had so much love in his eye even though they were filled with sadness. He was so loving and supportive through this whole journey. You sure knew what you were doing when you picked him for your Father.

My arms are aching to hold you. My whole body is screaming to have you back and my heart is breaking knowing it will never happen. . . .

Saying I love you is an understatement.

Love your Mommy