peace

It is all in the Numbers 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

My Dearest Theo

Today brings us to exactly four months since you were born at 11:22am, since we met face to face and heart to heart. Today is 122 days since you left my physical world.

I miss you today as much as I did the minute we said goodbye. I was up most of the night thinking about you among a few other things. I have recently been told you were a Master Teacher, and being born at 11:22am and living for 22 minutes signified that, I was told I too have a master number and needed this experience for that part of me to emerge. I had no clue and still don’t know exactly what it all means but while I was awake I was researching Master Numbers and I learned 11 & 22 are master numbers. I then did the calculations for my life path and it came to 33 which is apparently also a Master Number. The number 33 has followed me throughout my life and appears everywhere for me.

It was not shock when I was told about the significance of your number. I am so grateful for your teachings and you are the best teacher I have encountered. I have no doubt that I was intended to look more into your Master Number 22 exactly 122 days after your passing. There are no coincidences in life. . .

Today is beautiful, chilly but the sun is shining. Today I promise to spend my time honouring you, and remembering all the incredible moments we have shared on this amazing journey with an open heart. My heart wants to do the opposite, it wants to curl up in a corner and mourn all that we have lost and all that we won’t ever have. But today is going to be a day I choose to love you without pain. This choice isn’t an easy one but I know it is what you want for me so I will try.

I love you little Mr Theodore. I love you, I long for you and I have been grateful for you every minute of the last 122 days and in the months prior. I will continue to be grateful for you until we meet again.

Your forever loving Mommy.

Embrace the Void

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break

Grateful for the Choice

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

So another Wednesday without you is in the process of rolling by. This morning the sun was shining bright, with a light dusting of snow on the ground and all seemed as it should. A great start to the day. As I found myself in the shower excited about the day I will be having with Jack and Patrick and thinking about what we should do, I quickly was reminded this day is another day without you.

The three of us went and met our friends at play group. It was wonderful. The boys had a blast. I met the cutest little boy, born only days before you. I felt paralyzed as I awkwardly stared at this perfect little baby boy. Why am I not holding you as you sleep today? I could see how this baby had grown since birth and reminded me how much time has passed since we said our goodbyes.

Today I am feeling the bumps, these moments that stop me in my tracks. I am choosing to love you, to not let my heart run away with longing for all that we are missing. I know you are with us, you show me all the time.

I have realized the difference in different days and how some days I have a choice. I can become lost in grief or I can choose to move forward with my day, having love in my heart and you on my mind but not allowing myself to be swallowed up with all that could have been. I also have days that the choice is there, but feeling the deep grief for you is what I want and it feels right. Then there are the days the choice is made for me and no matter what I want I am in it and can’t get myself out. All of these days are just a reflection of how deep my love runs for you. It is a love that is pure and every changing but never weakening.

Because of you, I have strength to make these choices and live with the days the choice is made for me. Your brothers will be forever grateful for you. They know when I am sad. They know Theodore brings tears to Mommy’s eyes and they know how deeply my love for you runs. They also appreciate having a Mom who when given the choice will choose to be happy and experience the joy of their lives. I know that life on earth is still evolving and being present with them is what they need. 

You sure knew what you were doing when you chose these two boys as brothers! They have the ability to know when I need extra love and provide it, all the while being their crazy fun loving selves which always brings nothing but joy.

Thank you my love, another lesson is understood. You are my greatest teacher. I appreciate you, your teachings and the love we share. My son you are so blessed.

Until I see you again,
Your loving Mommy

Waiting on the Sun to Rise 

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

Dearest Theodore,

My heart is heavy, I feel like loss surrounds me. My heart hurts for those who feel the weight of loosing a person they love. True love that is held deep in your heart doesn’t recognize the age of the person, the amount of time spent together, and what they have or haven’t accomplished in their life. The heart only knows you love them and the rest doesn’t matter. The more you love the heavier the loss.

There was a time, actually most of my life until recently when I truly felt that happiness wasn’t hard to find. My perspective was one that if you weren’t happy, then simply be present and look around. By doing so you will notice the little things that bring joy to people. I am more present than ever, I live moment to moment as my days roll on. For a couple weeks I was feeling as if those years were a lie. Of course I could easily find happiness, I hadn’t had a tragedy that ever shook me to my core, and I never lost something that I desperately wanted back with nothing I could do to change it. So Ya it was easy. I realized today that happiness is still easy to find, it is the lens we view the world through that can be hard to change.

Theodore my love how do I change this lens on days when I feel like the only thing that will bring me peace is you? When my longing for you is so powerful, my tears can’t be stopped? When the bricks can’t be lift from my chest and I feel like putting one foot before the other is a task too big? How my love, my greatest teacher?

Many days I can put life into perspective and changing this lens is doable. Then there are the days that it seems like the only option is to surrender to my reality, and hope as the sun rises in the morning it will bring a whole new set of emotions and ones that are easier to see the joy and happiness around us.

I love you Theodore. Today, I will simply surrender and wait.

Your forever loving Mommy.