stillborn

Thank you for the reminder. 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.

Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.

We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.

We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.

We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.

I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!

Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.

Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.

You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.

Your forever loving Mommy.

Only a Lifetime or more. . .

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my dearest love,

I am here. I came as I promised. Your foot stone is filled with ice and snow. I can’t see you. My heart is breaking. I can’t place my gifts I just brought for you. There is hardly any snow around you but where you lay is filled and it is so hard I can’t clear it off. I now wish we would have picked a stone that stood up. I didn’t foresee this problem when we picked it out. I am so sorry.

The day is grey, my heart is heavy, and the lake is frozen just as your grave. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I truly can’t be visiting my son at a gravesite can I? This isn’t for real is it? Lord have mercy on my soul and be gentle with my fragile heart. . .

I love you Theodore. I love you and miss you in unimaginable ways. Some say I just need time, time to get over you, my loss and the grief I feel. I do need time but unfortunately there isn’t enough time in this lifetime. Should we not meet again in our next life my heart will carry the loss with me through that life as well. I will miss you until I see you again and then will continue to miss all the time we lost. This isn’t something that will go away, it is now my new normal. So to sum it up, anyone who knows me will never live to see the day that I am over this. It just won’t happen.

I often wonder if you miss us too? Do you see us and wish you were here in the physical world? Do ever wish you had a bit more time with us? Do you long to be held, just like I long to hold you? Do you wish it was different? I know there is purpose and it is this way for a reason but does your heart feel what mine feels even though we know it can’t be changed? A part of me hopes you do, that is me being selfish and wanting you to want to be with us even though is wasn’t part of the journey. Then the bigger part of me would never want you to feel what my heart is feeling not even a tenth of it, as the pain is so overwhelming.

This past weekend your Grandparents were honoured as Guardian Angels for children in our area for their contributions that have helped children. It was a great night. We had so much fun with friends dancing the night away. I couldn’t help thinking about the fact had you lived we wouldn’t have gone, or at least I wouldn’t have. I would have been home with you and your brothers. Sad truth is I would have been at home slightly sad I was missing out, now what I wouldn’t have done to be home with you.

Life is all about perspective. I now see things that I can only long for and know had I had them I wouldn’t have had the appreciation to the degree it would deserve and maybe at times resented. Just another gift you have given me; clarity and appreciation. On occasion I feel myself annoyed by Jack and Patrick or even Ryan (yes he was created from two Angels but is no Saint 😉) and now I simply need to ask myself “how badly would I long for this should I lose them” and my feelings of annoyance disappear.

Theodore, I will be back this week as the weather is warming up so the snow and ice should be gone. My heart is forever yours.

Your forever loving Mommy 

 

Waiting on the Sun to Rise 

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

Dearest Theodore,

My heart is heavy, I feel like loss surrounds me. My heart hurts for those who feel the weight of loosing a person they love. True love that is held deep in your heart doesn’t recognize the age of the person, the amount of time spent together, and what they have or haven’t accomplished in their life. The heart only knows you love them and the rest doesn’t matter. The more you love the heavier the loss.

There was a time, actually most of my life until recently when I truly felt that happiness wasn’t hard to find. My perspective was one that if you weren’t happy, then simply be present and look around. By doing so you will notice the little things that bring joy to people. I am more present than ever, I live moment to moment as my days roll on. For a couple weeks I was feeling as if those years were a lie. Of course I could easily find happiness, I hadn’t had a tragedy that ever shook me to my core, and I never lost something that I desperately wanted back with nothing I could do to change it. So Ya it was easy. I realized today that happiness is still easy to find, it is the lens we view the world through that can be hard to change.

Theodore my love how do I change this lens on days when I feel like the only thing that will bring me peace is you? When my longing for you is so powerful, my tears can’t be stopped? When the bricks can’t be lift from my chest and I feel like putting one foot before the other is a task too big? How my love, my greatest teacher?

Many days I can put life into perspective and changing this lens is doable. Then there are the days that it seems like the only option is to surrender to my reality, and hope as the sun rises in the morning it will bring a whole new set of emotions and ones that are easier to see the joy and happiness around us.

I love you Theodore. Today, I will simply surrender and wait.

Your forever loving Mommy.

We will visit soon. . . 

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

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Theodore my love.

I can’t believe how life has gone back to normal around us. I feel like the world is still turning at the regular consistent speed, yet mine has three speeds it can be standing still, turning backwards or crawling forward. How can I let my world turn at rate it did before, the weight of your loss is so heavy it would seem impossible to have that momentum again. Frankly I am not sure I ever want to live at the speed again.I feel guilty we haven’t visited you graveside for awhile. It is such a beautiful spot and I do want to be there. I feel like you aren’t there anyway. Your remains are but your spirit is busy doing God’s work. You seem to be showing up everywhere lately for me. I am always grateful when you do even if I am visible thrown off a bit. Please meet at the grave when we do go. ❤️

I love you my Dear Theodore. My heart screams for your love, and my arms ache to hold you.

If you were healthy you probably would have been born this week sometime. It is hard to think I could have a newborn baby right now. Your brothers would love it if we did. They would be so good to you. I can see them both pushing you in the swing way too hard and me having to tell them both to be gentle over and over again. They would bring you toys you couldn’t play with and try to feed you food you can’t eat yet. It would all be out of love, just as Jack did all these things when Ditty was a baby.

Love you, forever my angel.

Your loving Mommy

Mother’s Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

moms boys

Mother’s Day. 

A day to honour all Mothers. There are all kinds of Mothers. Of course there is the obvious Mom, the one walking across the street holding their little one’s hand, or the Mom with a grocery cart filled with giggling children. Then there are the Grandmothers. They are easy to spot, especially when with kids in tow. You will see what we call “Grandma wounds”, kiss marks all over their face.   

Then there are the women who don’t have any children, who haven’t experienced pregnancy but desperately long for a child of their own. 

What isn’t obvious are the Moms who can no longer have a child with them on a day like today to celebrate due to a miscarriage or their baby born still. 

We also have the mother who was able to have the blessing of sharing a life with their child but then along the journey they are taken from illness, an accident, or some other reason that they are no longer together in this physical world. 

I am 4 of the 5 types of Moms described here. I have my two crazy boys who everyone loves when we go grocery shopping as they are busy flirting with all the ladies. That is me the obvious Mom . The kind of Mom people are comfortable with on a day like today.  I wasn’t always this mom, Jack was created after 3 years of praying and desperately longing for him with the help of IVF. He was bittersweet, Jack in the early stages was a twin and Ryan and I experienced an early loss of his womb mate. Recently I became the other type of Mom who lost a baby. Theodore was born on December 9, 2015 and passed away a mere 22 minute later. 

The three Mothers Days while we were actively trying to create a family were incredibly hard, I cried every year. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom. I realize now I always was. 

Then my first Mother’s Day was what felt like true Mom was so bittersweet. I was the mom that most are comfortable giving well wishes to on this Day. I felt so blessed to finally be holding a baby and celebrating but I was holding space for the baby we lost so early on. 

This year brings a whole new set of emotions. I have two beautiful boys. They make my heart sing. No matter how amazing my boys are or how much I love them doesn’t prevent my heart from longing for the two I no longer have. My arms ache for Theodore and my heart carries all the what ifs for our early loss. 

Approximately,
1 in 16 couples will experience infertility.
1 in 4 woman have an early pregnancy miscarriage
6 in 1000 births a baby is born still.
7 in 1000 children will pass under 5 years

With numbers like this we have to be aware how many women are falling into one or more of these categories and honour all types of Moms today. Being a Mom is hard work. The mom who is physically parenting on a daily basis deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who didn’t get the chance to feel her baby move inside the womb deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said hello and goodbye at the same time deserves the Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said goodbye months or years after birth deserves the Mother’s Day hug.  Then we have the Moms who are still praying for their intended family, they equally deserve the Mother’s Day hug. 

Being a Mom is the love in your heart not what you hold in your arms. So as you go on about your day, there is a good chance the woman you see or talk to is in fact a Mom even if it isn’t obvious. 

Valentines Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

valentine

Teddy will you be my Valentine?

Happy Valentines Day my love! The sweetest gift of all would be a kiss from you. Instead I hold you in my heart and on my mind all day today. We spent most of the day at the Cooke’s cottage surrounded by amazing friends. It really was a great weekend as always. I felt your presence missing, like you just weren’t there. Not in the obvious way but in a way a person who feels an itch after their leg has been amputated.  I couldn’t let go of the feeling that you were intend to be with us there, the void was notable.  You are my son and I shouldn’t be celebrating family day without you.

Today I was holding baby William telling Bo and Jack that he was Lauren’s baby brother. Jack then told us he has two baby brothers. He sure does, and in his heart today he was missing you. He is so young yet he knows. It must be the time you spent in Ottawa together. I would love to know how your connection grew in those few months. I love the sound of your name when spoken by others but nothing makes my heart sing so loudly as when it rolls off Jack’s tongue.

I love you and am missing you today. I miss you always. Pretty much every second of every day.

Your Valentine, Mommy

Family Day Weekend

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

cottage kids 1

My dearest Theo,

Good morning my love. I am here at home taking a quiet moment drinking coffee reading a book about a woman who lost her baby at birth. It has made me laugh and it has made me cry. It is called “An  Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”. Patrick is still sleeping as he has a terrible cold and ear infection. Jack has gone to the Montessori School for the day.

My day will be spent packing and getting ready for our annual weekend at the Cooke’s cottage. I can’t believe you won’t be with us. It feels unimaginable. I know you will be there in spirit but my heart is screaming for so much more. The kids will play and baby William will snuggle his Mom and hopefully me too. We will take a picture of all the kids and you won’t be in it, yet in my mind I will always see you in the line up. I wish I knew what time would have done for you, what you would have looked like as you aged, how your personality would have fit in with the other kids and how different the dynamic would have been.  I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way.  I never imagined it. I need you to know how desperately I wish you were joining in on our fun. Every laugh, I laugh, every smile of joy I feel, every silly dance your daddy does and all the love we feel being close to our friends we are doing it all while carrying our love for you in our hearts.

I wish I was packing your bag too. . . My heart is hurting as I am reminded we will always be a travelling family of four. I miss your beautiful face and the anticipated joy I was going to feel watching you grow. I long to see you playing with your brothers, how silly you three would have been, the trouble you all would have caused and how full my home and heart would have always felt.

Your loving Mommy

Two Months Has Passed

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theo my love,

I woke up feeling close to you today, you met me in my dreams. You made me inspired to love louder.

I spent the day with your older brother Jack today. We went to gymnastics and then had a lunch date. I couldn’t help but miss you, you should have been with us, you should have been snuggled into a carrier as Jack and I ran around. Then I got thinking . . . If you were meant to stay earthside with us you wouldn’t have been in a carrier but relaxing in my womb. You and I as one.

I am not sure how to look at it. If you were to be born and needed surgery, you most likely would be born this week or next at the latest. Then there is the thought of you being healthy with a heart that didn’t even skip a beat, you would be just like your brothers and would be born two weeks late and making your grand entrance at the end of the month.

Next week is your “due date”. February 17, 2016 it feels significant yet as I just described it seems to hold little value considering all the possible outcomes you never would have been born on that day.

I love you, I miss you and look forward to meeting you in my dreams again real soon my angel.

Your loving Mommy.

Finding Peace

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.

Our Final Goodbye

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Theo my love,

Today is your funeral. Your celebration of life. It was a short life but such a powerful life with so much purpose.

My heart is hurting. I am so nervous about giving your eulogy, it is your story and I want it to be heard. I pray you are with me so I can get through it.

It is hard to believe you are gone, gone from my life forever. I feel like we have lived a few lifetimes together. Our connection was so powerful when you were in my womb. I fear as time goes on this connection will feel further and further away.

I must go and get ready now so please know how much you are loved, and intensely missed. I am happy after today everyone will know more about you, that you weren’t “just a baby” but in fact you were a very old soul in a very young body that was here to help others learn life lessons and grow in ways no one was expecting.

________________________________________________________________

Today was perfect, I just got home after spending time with close friends from out of town and family from my side of the family. It was nice to spend time with everyone together.

On the way to the Church we picked you up at the funeral home. You were in a beautiful wooden box your father picked out for you. It was the first and the last time we would be the travelling family of five we always envisioned. Only it was totally different.

Your service was amazing, there was so much love, so many people attended and we couldn’t have been more pleased. I read your eulogy. I could feel your presence with me. It was hard to talk about you, but felt so good for people to hear your story. People loved it. The ministers gave a beautiful message, we sang hymns and then we proceeded to your final resting place. Your father picked the most beautiful spot on the Bay of Quinte. You couldn’t be closer to the water. It is the perfect place. You actually couldn’t be closer to our home as well.

The reception at the restaurant was really nice. It gave us an opportunity to chat with many who came to celebrate you.

Your brothers aren’t old enough to understand what was happening but Jack asked a few times “why is everyone so sad”. He knew something profoundly sad happened. Patrick was blissfully unaware.

It is hard to believe today is here and now gone. I am not sure how my next days are going to feel, how will I start living a life without you . . .

I love you. More than my heart could have every imagined.

Missing you immensely.
Love your Mommy