Only a Lifetime or more. . .

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my dearest love,

I am here. I came as I promised. Your foot stone is filled with ice and snow. I can’t see you. My heart is breaking. I can’t place my gifts I just brought for you. There is hardly any snow around you but where you lay is filled and it is so hard I can’t clear it off. I now wish we would have picked a stone that stood up. I didn’t foresee this problem when we picked it out. I am so sorry.

The day is grey, my heart is heavy, and the lake is frozen just as your grave. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I truly can’t be visiting my son at a gravesite can I? This isn’t for real is it? Lord have mercy on my soul and be gentle with my fragile heart. . .

I love you Theodore. I love you and miss you in unimaginable ways. Some say I just need time, time to get over you, my loss and the grief I feel. I do need time but unfortunately there isn’t enough time in this lifetime. Should we not meet again in our next life my heart will carry the loss with me through that life as well. I will miss you until I see you again and then will continue to miss all the time we lost. This isn’t something that will go away, it is now my new normal. So to sum it up, anyone who knows me will never live to see the day that I am over this. It just won’t happen.

I often wonder if you miss us too? Do you see us and wish you were here in the physical world? Do ever wish you had a bit more time with us? Do you long to be held, just like I long to hold you? Do you wish it was different? I know there is purpose and it is this way for a reason but does your heart feel what mine feels even though we know it can’t be changed? A part of me hopes you do, that is me being selfish and wanting you to want to be with us even though is wasn’t part of the journey. Then the bigger part of me would never want you to feel what my heart is feeling not even a tenth of it, as the pain is so overwhelming.

This past weekend your Grandparents were honoured as Guardian Angels for children in our area for their contributions that have helped children. It was a great night. We had so much fun with friends dancing the night away. I couldn’t help thinking about the fact had you lived we wouldn’t have gone, or at least I wouldn’t have. I would have been home with you and your brothers. Sad truth is I would have been at home slightly sad I was missing out, now what I wouldn’t have done to be home with you.

Life is all about perspective. I now see things that I can only long for and know had I had them I wouldn’t have had the appreciation to the degree it would deserve and maybe at times resented. Just another gift you have given me; clarity and appreciation. On occasion I feel myself annoyed by Jack and Patrick or even Ryan (yes he was created from two Angels but is no Saint 😉) and now I simply need to ask myself “how badly would I long for this should I lose them” and my feelings of annoyance disappear.

Theodore, I will be back this week as the weather is warming up so the snow and ice should be gone. My heart is forever yours.

Your forever loving Mommy 

 

Grateful for the Choice

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

So another Wednesday without you is in the process of rolling by. This morning the sun was shining bright, with a light dusting of snow on the ground and all seemed as it should. A great start to the day. As I found myself in the shower excited about the day I will be having with Jack and Patrick and thinking about what we should do, I quickly was reminded this day is another day without you.

The three of us went and met our friends at play group. It was wonderful. The boys had a blast. I met the cutest little boy, born only days before you. I felt paralyzed as I awkwardly stared at this perfect little baby boy. Why am I not holding you as you sleep today? I could see how this baby had grown since birth and reminded me how much time has passed since we said our goodbyes.

Today I am feeling the bumps, these moments that stop me in my tracks. I am choosing to love you, to not let my heart run away with longing for all that we are missing. I know you are with us, you show me all the time.

I have realized the difference in different days and how some days I have a choice. I can become lost in grief or I can choose to move forward with my day, having love in my heart and you on my mind but not allowing myself to be swallowed up with all that could have been. I also have days that the choice is there, but feeling the deep grief for you is what I want and it feels right. Then there are the days the choice is made for me and no matter what I want I am in it and can’t get myself out. All of these days are just a reflection of how deep my love runs for you. It is a love that is pure and every changing but never weakening.

Because of you, I have strength to make these choices and live with the days the choice is made for me. Your brothers will be forever grateful for you. They know when I am sad. They know Theodore brings tears to Mommy’s eyes and they know how deeply my love for you runs. They also appreciate having a Mom who when given the choice will choose to be happy and experience the joy of their lives. I know that life on earth is still evolving and being present with them is what they need. 

You sure knew what you were doing when you chose these two boys as brothers! They have the ability to know when I need extra love and provide it, all the while being their crazy fun loving selves which always brings nothing but joy.

Thank you my love, another lesson is understood. You are my greatest teacher. I appreciate you, your teachings and the love we share. My son you are so blessed.

Until I see you again,
Your loving Mommy

Waiting on the Sun to Rise 

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

Dearest Theodore,

My heart is heavy, I feel like loss surrounds me. My heart hurts for those who feel the weight of loosing a person they love. True love that is held deep in your heart doesn’t recognize the age of the person, the amount of time spent together, and what they have or haven’t accomplished in their life. The heart only knows you love them and the rest doesn’t matter. The more you love the heavier the loss.

There was a time, actually most of my life until recently when I truly felt that happiness wasn’t hard to find. My perspective was one that if you weren’t happy, then simply be present and look around. By doing so you will notice the little things that bring joy to people. I am more present than ever, I live moment to moment as my days roll on. For a couple weeks I was feeling as if those years were a lie. Of course I could easily find happiness, I hadn’t had a tragedy that ever shook me to my core, and I never lost something that I desperately wanted back with nothing I could do to change it. So Ya it was easy. I realized today that happiness is still easy to find, it is the lens we view the world through that can be hard to change.

Theodore my love how do I change this lens on days when I feel like the only thing that will bring me peace is you? When my longing for you is so powerful, my tears can’t be stopped? When the bricks can’t be lift from my chest and I feel like putting one foot before the other is a task too big? How my love, my greatest teacher?

Many days I can put life into perspective and changing this lens is doable. Then there are the days that it seems like the only option is to surrender to my reality, and hope as the sun rises in the morning it will bring a whole new set of emotions and ones that are easier to see the joy and happiness around us.

I love you Theodore. Today, I will simply surrender and wait.

Your forever loving Mommy.

We will visit soon. . . 

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

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Theodore my love.

I can’t believe how life has gone back to normal around us. I feel like the world is still turning at the regular consistent speed, yet mine has three speeds it can be standing still, turning backwards or crawling forward. How can I let my world turn at rate it did before, the weight of your loss is so heavy it would seem impossible to have that momentum again. Frankly I am not sure I ever want to live at the speed again.I feel guilty we haven’t visited you graveside for awhile. It is such a beautiful spot and I do want to be there. I feel like you aren’t there anyway. Your remains are but your spirit is busy doing God’s work. You seem to be showing up everywhere lately for me. I am always grateful when you do even if I am visible thrown off a bit. Please meet at the grave when we do go. ❤️

I love you my Dear Theodore. My heart screams for your love, and my arms ache to hold you.

If you were healthy you probably would have been born this week sometime. It is hard to think I could have a newborn baby right now. Your brothers would love it if we did. They would be so good to you. I can see them both pushing you in the swing way too hard and me having to tell them both to be gentle over and over again. They would bring you toys you couldn’t play with and try to feed you food you can’t eat yet. It would all be out of love, just as Jack did all these things when Ditty was a baby.

Love you, forever my angel.

Your loving Mommy

Mother’s Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

moms boys

Mother’s Day. 

A day to honour all Mothers. There are all kinds of Mothers. Of course there is the obvious Mom, the one walking across the street holding their little one’s hand, or the Mom with a grocery cart filled with giggling children. Then there are the Grandmothers. They are easy to spot, especially when with kids in tow. You will see what we call “Grandma wounds”, kiss marks all over their face.   

Then there are the women who don’t have any children, who haven’t experienced pregnancy but desperately long for a child of their own. 

What isn’t obvious are the Moms who can no longer have a child with them on a day like today to celebrate due to a miscarriage or their baby born still. 

We also have the mother who was able to have the blessing of sharing a life with their child but then along the journey they are taken from illness, an accident, or some other reason that they are no longer together in this physical world. 

I am 4 of the 5 types of Moms described here. I have my two crazy boys who everyone loves when we go grocery shopping as they are busy flirting with all the ladies. That is me the obvious Mom . The kind of Mom people are comfortable with on a day like today.  I wasn’t always this mom, Jack was created after 3 years of praying and desperately longing for him with the help of IVF. He was bittersweet, Jack in the early stages was a twin and Ryan and I experienced an early loss of his womb mate. Recently I became the other type of Mom who lost a baby. Theodore was born on December 9, 2015 and passed away a mere 22 minute later. 

The three Mothers Days while we were actively trying to create a family were incredibly hard, I cried every year. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom. I realize now I always was. 

Then my first Mother’s Day was what felt like true Mom was so bittersweet. I was the mom that most are comfortable giving well wishes to on this Day. I felt so blessed to finally be holding a baby and celebrating but I was holding space for the baby we lost so early on. 

This year brings a whole new set of emotions. I have two beautiful boys. They make my heart sing. No matter how amazing my boys are or how much I love them doesn’t prevent my heart from longing for the two I no longer have. My arms ache for Theodore and my heart carries all the what ifs for our early loss. 

Approximately,
1 in 16 couples will experience infertility.
1 in 4 woman have an early pregnancy miscarriage
6 in 1000 births a baby is born still.
7 in 1000 children will pass under 5 years

With numbers like this we have to be aware how many women are falling into one or more of these categories and honour all types of Moms today. Being a Mom is hard work. The mom who is physically parenting on a daily basis deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who didn’t get the chance to feel her baby move inside the womb deserves the Happy Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said hello and goodbye at the same time deserves the Mother’s Day hug. The Mom who said goodbye months or years after birth deserves the Mother’s Day hug.  Then we have the Moms who are still praying for their intended family, they equally deserve the Mother’s Day hug. 

Being a Mom is the love in your heart not what you hold in your arms. So as you go on about your day, there is a good chance the woman you see or talk to is in fact a Mom even if it isn’t obvious. 

Your Due Date

~ Allyson Williams ~ 1 Comment

welcome

Happy Due date Theodore!

Today is the day our medical world predicted you might be born. Not that any of my boys have every been born close to their due date.

I was talking to Michelle the other day about how I felt conflicted with the significance of this day for us. I felt like it should be significant but isn’t since it would never have been a date you would have been born on.

Well, you clearly were listening. Born today was a little boy named Fitzgerald, birthed in the Don Williams birthing suite, named after your Great Grandfather.  Our dear friends Jess and Jeff were not due for another couple weeks. I was shocked to get the text but happened to be at the hospital that morning and had the honour to be the first person to meet this sweet angel only hours after he was born. I know this is no coincidence, and instantly this day holds enormous significance.

To say I was shocked is probably an understatement. I felt I was in an alternate universe. I had so many emotions. The most prominent emotion was love and joy for our dear friends and the new sweet angel Fitz but there were other emotions as well. I was scared, how would I ever see Fitz and not think of you, and all what should have been. I then realized that it was okay to feel this way and I didn’t need to be scared. I think of you every second of every day anyway, and I am not wanting to forget you ever. You will always live on in my heart forever. I also felt envious of Jess being so blessed to be holding a perfect new baby. Those feelings passed quickly, they serve no purpose, and choosing love is what will make my heart feel lighter and highlight the true blessing this situation truly is.

Ultimately, I know this was you, you doing God’s work and, making it perfectly clear that you are here with me. I know you will take care of me I just need to keep trusting this journey. It was no accident that Fitz chose this day. I am sure together you and Fitz agreed today was the perfect day to be born. I couldn’t agree more.

You are my greatest teacher. Thank you.

I love you. I am celebrating you and our new friend Fitz today.

Your loving Mommy

 

Valentines Day

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

valentine

Teddy will you be my Valentine?

Happy Valentines Day my love! The sweetest gift of all would be a kiss from you. Instead I hold you in my heart and on my mind all day today. We spent most of the day at the Cooke’s cottage surrounded by amazing friends. It really was a great weekend as always. I felt your presence missing, like you just weren’t there. Not in the obvious way but in a way a person who feels an itch after their leg has been amputated.  I couldn’t let go of the feeling that you were intend to be with us there, the void was notable.  You are my son and I shouldn’t be celebrating family day without you.

Today I was holding baby William telling Bo and Jack that he was Lauren’s baby brother. Jack then told us he has two baby brothers. He sure does, and in his heart today he was missing you. He is so young yet he knows. It must be the time you spent in Ottawa together. I would love to know how your connection grew in those few months. I love the sound of your name when spoken by others but nothing makes my heart sing so loudly as when it rolls off Jack’s tongue.

I love you and am missing you today. I miss you always. Pretty much every second of every day.

Your Valentine, Mommy

Family Day Weekend

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

cottage kids 1

My dearest Theo,

Good morning my love. I am here at home taking a quiet moment drinking coffee reading a book about a woman who lost her baby at birth. It has made me laugh and it has made me cry. It is called “An  Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”. Patrick is still sleeping as he has a terrible cold and ear infection. Jack has gone to the Montessori School for the day.

My day will be spent packing and getting ready for our annual weekend at the Cooke’s cottage. I can’t believe you won’t be with us. It feels unimaginable. I know you will be there in spirit but my heart is screaming for so much more. The kids will play and baby William will snuggle his Mom and hopefully me too. We will take a picture of all the kids and you won’t be in it, yet in my mind I will always see you in the line up. I wish I knew what time would have done for you, what you would have looked like as you aged, how your personality would have fit in with the other kids and how different the dynamic would have been.  I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way.  I never imagined it. I need you to know how desperately I wish you were joining in on our fun. Every laugh, I laugh, every smile of joy I feel, every silly dance your daddy does and all the love we feel being close to our friends we are doing it all while carrying our love for you in our hearts.

I wish I was packing your bag too. . . My heart is hurting as I am reminded we will always be a travelling family of four. I miss your beautiful face and the anticipated joy I was going to feel watching you grow. I long to see you playing with your brothers, how silly you three would have been, the trouble you all would have caused and how full my home and heart would have always felt.

Your loving Mommy

Two Months Has Passed

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

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Theo my love,

I woke up feeling close to you today, you met me in my dreams. You made me inspired to love louder.

I spent the day with your older brother Jack today. We went to gymnastics and then had a lunch date. I couldn’t help but miss you, you should have been with us, you should have been snuggled into a carrier as Jack and I ran around. Then I got thinking . . . If you were meant to stay earthside with us you wouldn’t have been in a carrier but relaxing in my womb. You and I as one.

I am not sure how to look at it. If you were to be born and needed surgery, you most likely would be born this week or next at the latest. Then there is the thought of you being healthy with a heart that didn’t even skip a beat, you would be just like your brothers and would be born two weeks late and making your grand entrance at the end of the month.

Next week is your “due date”. February 17, 2016 it feels significant yet as I just described it seems to hold little value considering all the possible outcomes you never would have been born on that day.

I love you, I miss you and look forward to meeting you in my dreams again real soon my angel.

Your loving Mommy.

Finding Peace

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theo, my precious son.

Your Daddy and I are in BC at a ski resort. Your brothers are at home having a blast with your Uncle Brad & Auntie Anie, Markin and Poppa Willimas and Grannie Elaine and Poppa Hewat. They are staying with each for a few days and are being surrounded by love and fun.

This vacation is to celebrate you as we are looking to find peace in our hearts. I find myself so filled with emotions. At any given time I feel like the tears could start flowing without having the power to make them stop. I would give anything to give these skis back to hold you in my arms, and have months of sleepless nights.

We are surrounded by beauty. We feel your presence with us. As we are skiing I can’t help but look at the sky, often as I look up I will see the sun pouring through the clouds while peeking  around a mountain. Everytime I see this I know it is you. You are filling us with sunshine, and smiling at us knowing you are the reason we are here.

Skiing is the perfect sport for us on this journey. We have so much time together to talk about you, our love, how blessed we feel, and our life in general but then we have plenty of time to be alone with our own thoughts. I find myself stopping part way down the hill, taking in the beauty and being flooded by tears and at times my heart feels too heavy to carry down the hill.

As this trip is coming to an end, I have realized we can’t fly away from our pain even on a journey to find peace. We did find peace, there were many moments that we simply felt at ease. Although I have also had the realization that peace is temporary and the hole you left in my heart is forever. This hole is heavy, it in fact physically feels like I am carrying bricks on my chest. Maybe as time goes on it will feel lighter but I know for sure this hole will never be filled. Frankly I am not sure I ever want it to be. That hole was left when you were taken from my physical world, my love for you hasn’t changed. It is the fierce love only a Mother for a child can understand, it is so strong it is insurmountable. Having this love and not having you present in my world makes my heart hurt in unimaginable ways.

I know we all have our journeys and yours was short with life long teachings. I also know many of these lessons have yet to come. I am in the process of learning another piece about love. How pure love is 100% about giving. Giving fearlessly without needing or expecting it to be reciprocated. I know you give me love but it isn’t the conventional way I have known throughout my life. Giving you my love is so easy, having a heart so full of love feels natural, but coming to terms with the fact I will never experience your physical acts of love in return in this lifetime is hard.

I love you more than words can ever articulate. My love for you is so large many wouldn’t believe a love like this is possible after spending less than 8 months in my womb and a mere 22 minutes earth-side before your heart beat its last beat.

Your fearless loving Mommy.