The Days Roll On

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


My precious Teddy,

It is 5:22 am, the birds are singing, your brothers and Father are fast asleep and I am awake thinking of you. 150 days ago you entered into the world and left 22 precious minutes later. My heart met yours, my eyes saw the wonder you really were. You were so beautiful to me, and when I looked at you I instantly saw a video reel of an entire lifetime that will never be lived, all that you would never get a chance to experience all that I desperately wanted to experience with you.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, then Monday marks the 5 month anniversary of your birth and passing. It is hard to believe so many days have simply rolled on by. Tomorrow I should be waking up, your Dad and I exhausted from another night with little sleep, seeing your smiling little face, having your two brothers make breakfast with Dad and all of us together in bed laughing and loving each other, feeling so grateful I am the one you three call Mom.

As I lay here I wonder what you would have looked like at 5 months old. Would you have grown super fast and been a big boy like your brothers? Would you have been funny or taken on the roll of being our more serious baby? Would you have been easy going and a joy to take everywhere or would we have struggled to keep a schedule that works for you? The list of things I wonder is endless. What I know and never need to wonder is that I would have loved and appreciated you, I would have accepted you for whoever you wanted to be, I would have supported you in any and all of your dreams and would have provided you with all the tools to become the man you wanted to be.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. . . Tomorrow I will celebrate being blessed with three boys. I will celebrate having the honour to Mother each one in their own personal journeys. Your journey is one I wouldn’t have chosen for you, and I am sure in many ways this is preparing me for journeys Jack and Patrick may take one day that I too wouldn’t have chosen and yet will support. You have given me the hardest job a Mother can ever have and that is to mother a child I no longer hold anywhere but in my heart.

I love you, I know you have been with me this morning and I know this is why I couldn’t sleep. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. It is an honour to hold you in my heart and to know with the millions of woman you could have chosen, it was me you wanted. I am blessed and grateful.

Loving you is easy, living with you only in my heart is hard.

It is now 5:55am, thank you for waking me up to spend this time together.

Your forever loving Mommy

Layer by Layer 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment
2002 Thailand – a much older version of me captured this picture.

My Dearest Theo,

My journey with you has been one of transformation. I am never sure what is around the corner or what the next layer will reveal once pealed back. You have given me the gift of being able to see myself for who I really am, and realizing what I am not.

Piece by piece, layer by layer, and step by step I see me. I see what my heart wants, who I am, and the gaps in between. I see old wounds and how they have formed a hard shell over that soft spot to protect itself. This experience left me at a crossroads, I could either walk the path that allows me to form a hard shell over this shattered heart or to become open, vulnerable and honest. Knowing this path would be harder, but so much more rewarding I chose the later. To me it felt like it was the only option as my heart wants to be open and welcome all that this journey will offer me.

I am now like an onion, with all the layers being peeled back exposing all parts of me I no longer care for. These parts were always there, I was aware of them but they simply didn’t bother me. Now they feel different, there is a nagging sense that tells me “you are better than that” when I find myself being judgmental and falling into old patterns. It no longer serves me and no longer feels like me. The new version of me truly wants to live a life of purpose, to fearlessly walk with an open heart, to offer empathy and give grace for situations I can’t understand.

I was asked if it is easy to me. It isn’t, and I am not sure it ever has been. I wonder if it was easy to be you? We all have stuff that makes our lives more challenging than others. You live what seems to me a short and uncomplicated life, but maybe many would have said that about me as they made assumptions from afar. I always felt so close to you, yet I still don’t know if it was easy for you. I can’t imagine being you, knowing you had a wide spread of family and friends eagerly waiting your arrival, those who madly loved you from day one and you knew you would never get to experience all they envisioned for you. You came and left like a gentle breeze on a beautiful sunny day. Was that easy? It wasn’t for me, but I wish for you that it happened with ease.

I see these gifts our journey has given me and I am so grateful. I wonder about the gifts you have been given, do you look back with feelings of gratitude and sense you were given exactly what you needed? As hard as this journey of becoming the better version of me is, I feel so privileged to have been chosen for such an awakening. I thank you.

To say I miss you is an understatement. Yet I feel so conflicted, I am so grateful for all I have been given and yet I would give it all back to have you in my arms. . .

I love you. This love will be yours forever, it is a love my heart didn’t know existed until you.

Your fearlessly loving Mommy.

Just a Little Picnic 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


Theodore my love,

What a beautiful afternoon today was. Your brothers played around you, shared lunch at your grave and embodied what being a free spirit really means. As they ran up and down the hill holding hands, laughing, and falling down my heart sang.

I know you were there with us. I know there are times you wish things were different as well. Jack told me today that you were crying and that you needed me. Truth is you have me, you have all of me and more. My heart is all of yours and will always will be no matter how much time passes and how tight or loose my grip is. You are my heart. Every beat my heart beats is for you.

I felt such peace as when we were together today. I wasn’t sad, nor happy but simply at ease. Life since the moment you left my world has been forever changing. I am so grateful today that I was there with you, your brothers and with the sun shining bright and the water glistening. It truly was beautiful.

Life often feels unfair and rather random. I know there is purpose and reason but my heart can’t help but hurt for those who like me had to say good bye to someone when their love runs so deep it feels like an impossible task to do, yet aren’t given any other option.

Theodore, my sweet baby boy, I love you. I am always here, you never need to need me, I am only a light flicker, static in my ears, smelling your scent, or a windshield wiper wipe away. You are forever in my heart and on my mind.

Your forever loving Mommy.

The Ending will be Beautiful 🐘

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment


My dearest Theodore

Summer is on the way. I am thinking about how much you would have loved spending time at Papineau Lake this year and how much you loved it last year. I am looking forward to the memories we will make but knowing you won’t be included in them makes me feel like they will be incomplete.

You never got to feel the wind on your face or the sun at your back. You will never wish upon a star or pull apart a dandelion wondering if she loves you or not. How could your life be so beautiful and fulfilled, yet there are so many things I wished for you. How do I let go of all I wanted for you and accept you received all you needed? I know this to be true but I can’t help to long for more for you. For you, I wish it all. . .

Yet I know you had it all. You experienced something many of us never have the opportunity. Through this I was blessed to be the one to learn how to love unconditionally. Maybe that is all we ever need. Maybe if we were all blessed to be loved so deeply, so truly and purely that no matter what we did, thought or felt the other would do nothing but love us through it and for us to love all other beings in such a way as well and then we too would feel completely fulfilled.

You said you wanted me to let go. You want my heart to heal. I have thought long and hard about our love story. I know how I want the ending to look like. I want the last chapter to describe how I did let go, and how I am able to love you wholeheartedly and how the profound pain and sadness is replaced with peace. I will simply love you, our experience and accept this is all it was supposed to be, and no longer long for more and to be grateful for all I have.

Our story has been beautiful, it can’t end with me forever hurting. . . This couldn’t have been the plan.

I know when things feel hard it is a time of growth. This has been the biggest personal growth transformation I have experienced. I am far from reaching our last chapter. I frankly have no clue how to arrive there but I do know it is how it has to end. I love you too much to allow myself to feel a lifetime of profound sadness. You have been my greatest teacher, I am confident you will guide me down the path to reach our destination of loving, remembering and accepting of all that is with pure peace in my heart.

I am not there. I have haven’t arrived, I am so far from the end but at least I have a destination to navigate towards and with you as my compass I have no doubt one day I will arrive and be so grateful as I look back at the journey we took together to find pure unconditional love and peace in our hearts.

Thank you. My love for you is and has always been unconditional. I now need to learn to find my way to loving all beings in the same manner. Maybe then it will truly feel like peace on earth.

Your forever loving Mommy.

It is all in the Numbers 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

My Dearest Theo

Today brings us to exactly four months since you were born at 11:22am, since we met face to face and heart to heart. Today is 122 days since you left my physical world.

I miss you today as much as I did the minute we said goodbye. I was up most of the night thinking about you among a few other things. I have recently been told you were a Master Teacher, and being born at 11:22am and living for 22 minutes signified that, I was told I too have a master number and needed this experience for that part of me to emerge. I had no clue and still don’t know exactly what it all means but while I was awake I was researching Master Numbers and I learned 11 & 22 are master numbers. I then did the calculations for my life path and it came to 33 which is apparently also a Master Number. The number 33 has followed me throughout my life and appears everywhere for me.

It was not shock when I was told about the significance of your number. I am so grateful for your teachings and you are the best teacher I have encountered. I have no doubt that I was intended to look more into your Master Number 22 exactly 122 days after your passing. There are no coincidences in life. . .

Today is beautiful, chilly but the sun is shining. Today I promise to spend my time honouring you, and remembering all the incredible moments we have shared on this amazing journey with an open heart. My heart wants to do the opposite, it wants to curl up in a corner and mourn all that we have lost and all that we won’t ever have. But today is going to be a day I choose to love you without pain. This choice isn’t an easy one but I know it is what you want for me so I will try.

I love you little Mr Theodore. I love you, I long for you and I have been grateful for you every minute of the last 122 days and in the months prior. I will continue to be grateful for you until we meet again.

Your forever loving Mommy.

To Let Go 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

img_3280-3Theodore my littlest love bug

As you know I went to a medium. We connected and I am happy to know you felt our love story to the depth I have. I have spent my time since that day reflecting on all that was said.

I heard your message loud and clear. I need to let go. You assured me our love will not change but my heart will feel more at ease. I am beyond scared to let go. I am scared my love will diminish, rather than deepen. It feels counterintuitive to let go of something you have lost and desperately want to keep.

I am so new at this. I don’t know how it works and I am fumbling my way through life right now. I thought being a Mother was hard until I had to Mother you from afar. I am trying my best, but you need me to let go. Frankly I don’t want to. I will because you asked. For you I would do anything. I think I have proven this many times in our journey. It was just so much easier with you as my partner here on earth.

I am not sure how to let my heart release you from its grip. I am confident you will teach me. You are my greatest teacher and seem to find a way to guide me. I am open to try. I am open to your lessons

Please give me time and grace as I find my way to allowing you to be free. I will always write you, I will always love you, I will always mother you with a heart filled with love but I will let go. I trust you know this is for the best.

Until we meet again,
Your Mother, your soulmate.

Embrace the Void

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

img_3249

Theodore my sweet little boy,

This past week has been so busy. I feel like it has been an incredibly long time since I have written to you, yet I speak to you all the time and you are forever on my mind.

We had Easter last weekend, your first Easter and our first Easter with you in our hearts. The day was beautiful. It was warm and sunny. I could feel you near. It wasn’t a heavy feeling but rather it was warm and comforting.

Your brother was born on Easter Sunday 3 years ago. This year was such a different day for me. I spent time reflecting on the day Jack was born. He was a gift that your Dad and I were and are forever grateful for. I love remembering the day he was born. My labour was days long and he was born by c-section. The minute my eyes made contact with his was a moment I will never forget. My heart grew in a way I didn’t know it could. I had no idea that in an instant you could be forever changed and in such a positive way.

As the kids ran around the yard looking for eggs, my arms felt empty. I should have been holding you in a carrier or a ring sling while recording the kids with my phone. The video should have had your little noises in the background or showed a glimpse of you, had you been sleeping. But it didn’t. I feel the void, I see you missing from our life. I will always see you missing from our physical world.

Jack turned 3 on Thursday. He came home from preschool to presents waiting to be opened. He was so excited and so appreciative. “Wow thank you Mommy! This is awesome” he exclaimed. Patrick was equally excited as his brother opened gifts from family and friends.

Yesterday we celebrated Jack with our friends and all the little people in our life. It was a beautiful relaxed day. Yet again you weren’t there. At one moment I stopped, looked around the room, listening to the children playing and thought about you, thought how much you would have loved to have a party for you one day, how you would have been such great a friend to all these children and how much you are missed. The void that has been created touches every aspect of our life. It is impossible to simply enjoy the beautiful moments of life without feeling you missing.

I watch your brother Patrick and how gentle and loving he is with little babies. As I watch I see what an amazing big brother he would have been. It breaks my heart knowing he will never be one.

The void is vast. It can’t be filled. The beauty in the void means you matter, you lived, you are loved and will be forever remembered. As much as the void hurts I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my forever son, my love for you will never cease to exist.

Your forever loving Mommy

 

Mid party break

I Wasn’t Expecting This

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

  
My sweetest Theodore,

I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel a heart so full of love yet so shattered. My heart is like an infinity pool with my love pouring through the cracks and yet is always full. I wasn’t expecting to have my love for you deepen and grow even after we said our final goodbyes. I am not sure why but I assumed the level of my love when we parted ways was where it would always remain. But that isn’t how it works when you are a Mother. A Mother’s love will grow, deepen and evolve as the days pass. Just because you are no longer here with me, I am and always will be your Mom and will continue to Mother you just the same. My heart only knows you as my precious son Theodore, it holds love for you no different than Jack or Patrick so it only makes sense that this love would be continually growing. 

I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting that as my love grew so would my sorrow. It hurts so much. I want you back. I have a hard time imagining a lifetime without you. I am not sure how my heart keeps beating when it is so broken. I am so scared, I feel so fragile, there is no way I could endure anymore heartache yet the possibility is real. 

There was a time in my life when I thought forever was a really long time. I met your Dad and fell in love, I then realized forever will never be long enough. Now here I am, on one hand my forever won’t be long enough when it comes to Ryan, Jack or Patrick. Then there is you and the past 105 days without you have been the longest hardest days of my life. To think I have to live my forever without you seems too much to bare.  

Being a Mom is such a hard job. It was a job I desperately wanted and I am so grateful I was chosen. I feel so blessed I have 3 beautiful boys who wanted me to be their Mom. I knew this job wasn’t going to be an easy one, but nothing prepares a person to Mother a child who no longer walks among us. I want to tuck you into bed, I want to kiss your face, I want desperately hold you. I want to physically do all the things that show love, but instead I can only do these things in my mind and send you my love from a distance. The foundation of Motherhood is love. There is no question my heart and life has an abundance. 

Today, I am simply going to feel your absence. I am going to ride the wave of heartache and when the sun rises tomorrow I pray it brings a little peace. 

I love you Theodore. There is no doubt about that. I miss you from every fibre in my body. I am desperately longing for you. 

I look forward to seeing you again. My love will continue to grow until we reach the end of my forever. 

Your forever loving Mommy 

Thank you for the reminder. 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

Theodore my love,

Today was a beautiful day, at least it turned out to be one. I woke up after a night full of dreams / nightmares about so many people I loved loosing their babies. It was a feeling that was hard to shake after I woke up and realizing that it was only a dream.

Your brothers were being their challenging selves this morning. They are little, they have needs and they have no patience and I don’t expect them to. Normally because of you I am a better Mom. A Mom who wants to give so much love and pour my heart and soul into my boys. I want them to feel all the love I was able to give you for those short few months. But there are days that because of you, because of how deeply sad I feel my ability to be that Mom falls short and I find myself so far from that. I can lack patience, even raise my voice at times and I hate myself for it. You would be so disappointed in me. I don’t strive for perfection, never have and never will. Perfect isn’t a way I want live. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. When I know I could have done better, I feel it. I feel it deeply especially when it comes to my boys. My husband and my sons are my world and feeling like I fell short is an uncomfortable place to be.

We went to a play group as it was a rainy morning and we needed to get out of our house. The boys had so much fun and I was able to regroup. We went for a drive after and as the boys slept I thought about you, and wondered what your lesson is after a morning like this. The sun came out, the drive was beautiful and I started to feel some peace, feeling a sense of calm.

We ended the drive with a visit to you. As we pulled in Jack asked what we were doing. I told him “we are visiting Theodore”. He replies “me too Mommy? And Bo too?” I say “of course” and with a huge amount of excitement he yells “Yes! Yay Theodore”. In that moment my heart exploded with love. I love hearing your name spoken from Jack. It is the sweetest sound my ears could ever hear. We walk down to where your stone lays, the sun is shining, the bay is no longer frozen and the is water glistening. It was simply beautiful. Jack runs up to your stone, then as he is standing looking at it with such a big smile, he leans down and touches it ever so softly. It was a hello and I love you with a soft touch that lingered.

We stayed there for about 25 minutes or so. The boys ran all over, they were jumping over your stone, they were running circles around it, and at times they simply stood looking at it while holding each other’s hand. It was a brief moment in time when they could include you in their love for each other and their play. When it was time to leave Jack made sure to walk over to your stone, lean down and while touching it said goodbye.

I so badly want you to be earth side with us. You would be so happy with these two brothers. The amount of love they have is something I haven’t seen before. They hug and kiss each other more than many married couples in a day. They are so blessed to have a sibling as a best friend, one they would choose if given an option. They aren’t perfect, but they aren’t raised to strive for perfection, they are raised to choose love and they are amazing at it!

Our day ended with Jack super excited to tell Ryan about his day which started with “Daddy I saw Theodore today”! With so much excitement, pride and love.

Your lesson was just a reminder, take a deep breath and simply choose love. When it is hard, then I need to give even more love. . . and maybe I need to flow some of that love back toward myself.

You are missed, you are loved, and forever on my mind and in my heart. Like every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day.

Your forever loving Mommy.

I love the way you work 

~ Allyson Williams ~ Leave a comment

  
Hey Snuggles 

So I just need to Thank you, once again I have felt a shift. I know you are always near. You never feel far from me. I was so incredibly sad last Monday. I had bought you two gifts and wanted to place them at your stone. When I arrived it was frozen over. 

I had so many emotions. I had moments of anger. Had you been buried a row over either way I would have been able to see where your stone lays and able to place the gifts. It felt like a sick joke. I had moments of sadness, knowing I was going to a baby shower for a wonderful friend who is due in a couple weeks and two other amazing friends would be there who recently had beautiful baby boys. The four of us were all supposed to have our baby boys together, I couldn’t be happier to be celebrating the new little man and spend time with the other two boys who have completely stollen my heart but I couldn’t help feel sad knowing that was the evening ahead of me and I couldn’t even see your grave. 

As I was driving, shedding tears of complete sadness feeling the weight of your loss my windshield wipers start to go. I checked to see if they were on auto and malfunctioned and of course they weren’t. It was you wiping the tears from your Mom’s eyes. I love when you show me how close you really always are to me. 

Tonight as I was setting the table for dinner, I stop and held the rock I had bought for you and touched the elephant. I started to think of when this week I would be able to go and place them since it has been raining so much and I realized what a blessing it has been to have these gifts in our home before bringing them to you. Every day at least a few times a day, I stop and hold your rock, I trace the word LOVE that is engraved in it and touch your elephant. I now know this is the gift, the gift will carry my energy, and they will have spent time with us which makes these gifts that much more meaningful. In fact they have sat on our table since I brought them home, it is like you are with us at every meal. 

I love the way you work. I love the lessons you teach me. I love the way in which the lessons are delivered. Thank you my love. I couldn’t be more proud to be your Mom. I feel so incredibly blessed. 

You are my Forever Son, Theodore

Your forever loving Mommy.